Game?

Countless reasons as to why you are making me so happy. But one thing is for certain. You are doing it oh so right!

Not so long ago, I was grieving. I was left. I was no one.

You showed up, out of nowhere, said hello. I did say 'hi'. I knew it will be the start of endless hellos.

In a very short period of time, we both got each other's attention. We talked about life, love and other things you have not told anyone before. You were so amazing.

I am taking a risk. I know you are doing the same. I love you. You love me. That's more than enough to face tomorrow.

This may be an unfinished love story, but hell yeah, the plot is getting better and better as days go by.

I can't wait to wake up seeing your beautiful face first thing in the morning. Feeling your breathe touching my cheeks. Experiencing the warmth of your love. Counting your endless hellos.

You are so damn good!

:-)

let this be this for now.

I have loved, I was loved. I made it felt, I felt it, too. We were happy, delusional. We made plans, we hoped, we vowed to have them accomplished. We shared laughs, tears. We were almost there.

Ours was not typical. It was neither conventional. It was one of a kind. It was, at first, envied. It was, in the beginning, perfect. We were almost there.

We slept together. We created dreams together. We were so happy. I was so content. I told myself 'this is it!' We were almost there.

Growing up, I was always the confident one. I am so assured of myself I can do things- alone. I never needed a shoulder to lean on. I never asked for ears to hear me out. I was always heard anyway. I am so capable. I have something unusual. I was almost there.

Little did I know, a man will come to make me feel I am vulnerable. Someone who will make me feel I am a lesser earthling. Someone who, at some point, destroyed my established confidence. Someone who can change me in an instant. He made me feel we were almost there.

Perhaps, that's the beauty of falling in love. It changes your perspective. It changes your personality. It can renew you either for the better or whatever. It gives your life new meanings. It is almost there.

Sunset came, we parted ways. It was painful. It was sudden. It was heartbreaking. I lost my sanity. I wanted to fight for it. I cried. I asked for chances. I tried. He responded with cold shoulders. Did he also think we were almost there?

I was left alone. I was grieving. Will I make it there?

One morning I realised, I am still me. I am still the same Marcus who fought the hardest battles no one would ever want to give a damn. I am that little kid who was once tagged intellectually capable and advance. I have not lost myself. I have just lost my sanity but not my worth. I have legs. My arms are still in pair. I have not lost the lobes of my brain. I can still smile. For once, I am certain. I am still able. I can get there.

The road may still be long and winding. I know I will still meet people along the way. People who will, hopefully, take me back to sanity. People who will give me reasons to write what's on my mind. People who will take me there, or at least help me get there. 

This is never ending. This is a cycle. 

Getting to know myself- virtually.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.


90% True!

You know it is going nowhere.

It has been a long time, long long time, since I last saw you. The last time I wrote on you was purely untitled. It meant nothing. It is nothing. You know, I am aware at times you are mad at me. I only lurk or even check up on you when I am down, sad, going nowhere, desolated, despondent and other adjectives that best describe loneliness. And yes, for the nth time, it strikes again.

This blog has been made not to rant, neither will this serve as my other venue to speak the unspoken madness, craziness and insanity I have in me. But it is turning, well actually turned out, to be something close and similar to that. I could not remember telling you about my happiness, accomplishments, new people in my life, my new possessions. Rather, it is always the opposite. I know at times you wish to just shut your self down. Believe me, I will not know how to get by if my only friend, in your persona, will get tired to listen to all my pieces and just suddenly disappear. I hope to cultivate whatever kind of friendship, okay relationship, we have. Nevertheless, you know how much I love you. Because of you, I get to exercise my writing skills that I am starting to forget. Thanks for always being there.

It's 12:04 in the afternoon. Sunny is just so sweet to let us experience his bitter sweet warmth. In 12 hours, I am turning 23. You got it right, yours truly is already sweet 23. Let me show you my own version of 'throwback' and take you back to my childhood.

On 18th May 1991, Marcus was delivered to the world. Full of joy, I guess, mom and dad named him Mark Joseph. His childhood was not the ideal one, neither was it the superlative of bad. It started out just fine. He only wanted a burger whenever his dad goes home from his bread and butter. He enjoyed simple pleasures. They are neither rich nor the poorest. I can say, they were surviving. After good five years, his family had another baby - Ramon. Just like in the movies, that momentous event the first time parents lay their eyes on their babies-

Pardon me, I can't type anymore. Not that I am tired, but I have long forgotten about the past. I do not live and dwell in the past. I may say my autobiography is not for the books, blogs or elsewhere.

Life is not always about exciting new beginnings, rising denouement, happy endings. This is facing the reality and always have the 'moving forward' attitude. In my 23 years of existence, I have learned and experienced a lot of things. Felt a lot of emotions. Myriad orgasms in both sexual and mental aspects. Met a lot of people, some stayed, some are steady but a lot of them just glided by. Welcome to my life!

I do not know, and do not even have the slightest idea, how my life will end. Will I live peacefully? Will I age gracefully? Will I mature naturally? Will I die happily? Maybe after writing and posting this, I will die. I may also live longer. Who knows? I just do not expect.

I have no idea how to end this post. So, I guess, 'till I see you again.

This too shall pass.

Happy Birthday, Marcus!

Untitled

It has been raining for some days now. This is the time of the year when all I want to do is to just stay at home and watch the pouring rain flood the streets. Rain has started to inundate thirsty hearts yet dreary nights still linger.Nothing really goes on now but just the music that plays on my earphones.

Mind travels in nothingness.Soul sees vagueness. I am in the state of emptiness. This has already happened and will forever hunt me. This is a no ending beginning of non existence. This is the feeling I call 'hopeless'.

I am sad for no reason. I am gloomy for no reason. I get mad for a certain reason. I get excited for several reasons. These reasons define my existence.

If only I can foresee tomorrow, if only forgetting the past is as easy as glancing, if only the present is as impeccable as my imagination, life is one hell of a wonderful ride. 

My writing goes nowhere. Scribble. Non sense. Random. Boring. It goes to all the people who experience same thing every once in a while. I am nothing but a human being.

I realise I have been wearing a mask. A mask only me can visualise and see. A mask that changed my well-being, my true self and my portrayal. I have no plans of unmasking it. I enjoy every single day I wear it. I learned how to embrace and love it. This is the new Marcus that faces the world with a mask called 'Courage'. I am not perfect. I am far from being the best. I am neither a fourth of greatness. But with this mask, I am more than perfect. I see and appreciate things and people at their best. I feel internal greatness with whatever I do. I am satisfied. I am able to see different facets of life. 

Struggling to cap off this post beautifully. Challenged to put a good ending. Musing. 

'Till next time.

And give me this moment to rant.

For some weeks now, life gives me a lot of complications that neither me, nor anyone of you, will fathom. Complications that I never thought would give me repercussions no one can ever imagine. Life is really challenging me that to some extent, I feel unfair and unjust. But who am I to complain? This is life and no matter how I rant nor shout out loud that I do not want to live this kind of life, I am just a human whose life only revolves in his own comfort zone called 'home' and his bread and butter called 'work'. Words are not enough to express how these mishaps are effecting me deeply and thoroughly. I have been wanting a release. I have been longing for an impeccable execution. I have been dreaming for a bliss but all I am getting is always an abyss.


I truly believe end is about to come. End that will put a mark in all of these. End that will start a new beginning. End that will end things I started unknowingly. End that will end this despondency. End is now.

'.. no, I am not in search of someone..'

And this is the classic line I always tell my  trainess, applicants, colleagues, friends and loved ones. And yes! I am lying because underneath this overused phrase is a heart that screams due to longingness for someone. How long have I been using this phrase? Million years ago.

Since the last heartbreak that still torments me even up until this very moment, I can not imagine myself being with someone else. I can not even see myself holding someone's arms and lie every night like what we used to do. Have I been hurt too hard that even up until now I still can't move on? These are the random thoughts I have whenever I lurk on his facebook account:

- Are you truly happy now that you're free?
- How's your life after whosover you meet up and have casual sex with?
- Does that someone prepare your breakfast?
- Do you feel the same feeling you used to feel when you were kissing me?
- Was there even a time that you also missed me and cared to text or call me?
- Am I still welcome if one day I'll show up in our what we used to call 'Home'?
- Did you even dream of me? Even for once?
- Did you even consider what will I feel when we were making love and you silently uttered someone's name? Do you even remember that? Did you even see me weeping?
-  Do you even remember when you let me wait in the midst of the night and I will just receive a text 'I can't make it'?
- Do you still remember when you told me I'll be the one you'll forever love and the plans we've made?
- Do you still remember the big stuffed toy you gave me as your birthday present? Oh yes! I still have him.

A lot of 'Do yous', 'What ifs', 'How is' and 'Why'. The cause is just goodbye.

I thought I have already gotten over it. I thought I have already breakfree. I thought this has already ended. All my thoughts are wrong. Up until when will I be a prisoner of our yesterday? How long do I have to suffer? Ain't three years enough for these realisations?

xoxo