Getting to know myself- virtually.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.


90% True!

You know it is going nowhere.

It has been a long time, long long time, since I last saw you. The last time I wrote on you was purely untitled. It meant nothing. It is nothing. You know, I am aware at times you are mad at me. I only lurk or even check up on you when I am down, sad, going nowhere, desolated, despondent and other adjectives that best describe loneliness. And yes, for the nth time, it strikes again.

This blog has been made not to rant, neither will this serve as my other venue to speak the unspoken madness, craziness and insanity I have in me. But it is turning, well actually turned out, to be something close and similar to that. I could not remember telling you about my happiness, accomplishments, new people in my life, my new possessions. Rather, it is always the opposite. I know at times you wish to just shut your self down. Believe me, I will not know how to get by if my only friend, in your persona, will get tired to listen to all my pieces and just suddenly disappear. I hope to cultivate whatever kind of friendship, okay relationship, we have. Nevertheless, you know how much I love you. Because of you, I get to exercise my writing skills that I am starting to forget. Thanks for always being there.

It's 12:04 in the afternoon. Sunny is just so sweet to let us experience his bitter sweet warmth. In 12 hours, I am turning 23. You got it right, yours truly is already sweet 23. Let me show you my own version of 'throwback' and take you back to my childhood.

On 18th May 1991, Marcus was delivered to the world. Full of joy, I guess, mom and dad named him Mark Joseph. His childhood was not the ideal one, neither was it the superlative of bad. It started out just fine. He only wanted a burger whenever his dad goes home from his bread and butter. He enjoyed simple pleasures. They are neither rich nor the poorest. I can say, they were surviving. After good five years, his family had another baby - Ramon. Just like in the movies, that momentous event the first time parents lay their eyes on their babies-

Pardon me, I can't type anymore. Not that I am tired, but I have long forgotten about the past. I do not live and dwell in the past. I may say my autobiography is not for the books, blogs or elsewhere.

Life is not always about exciting new beginnings, rising denouement, happy endings. This is facing the reality and always have the 'moving forward' attitude. In my 23 years of existence, I have learned and experienced a lot of things. Felt a lot of emotions. Myriad orgasms in both sexual and mental aspects. Met a lot of people, some stayed, some are steady but a lot of them just glided by. Welcome to my life!

I do not know, and do not even have the slightest idea, how my life will end. Will I live peacefully? Will I age gracefully? Will I mature naturally? Will I die happily? Maybe after writing and posting this, I will die. I may also live longer. Who knows? I just do not expect.

I have no idea how to end this post. So, I guess, 'till I see you again.

This too shall pass.

Happy Birthday, Marcus!

Untitled

It has been raining for some days now. This is the time of the year when all I want to do is to just stay at home and watch the pouring rain flood the streets. Rain has started to inundate thirsty hearts yet dreary nights still linger.Nothing really goes on now but just the music that plays on my earphones.

Mind travels in nothingness.Soul sees vagueness. I am in the state of emptiness. This has already happened and will forever hunt me. This is a no ending beginning of non existence. This is the feeling I call 'hopeless'.

I am sad for no reason. I am gloomy for no reason. I get mad for a certain reason. I get excited for several reasons. These reasons define my existence.

If only I can foresee tomorrow, if only forgetting the past is as easy as glancing, if only the present is as impeccable as my imagination, life is one hell of a wonderful ride. 

My writing goes nowhere. Scribble. Non sense. Random. Boring. It goes to all the people who experience same thing every once in a while. I am nothing but a human being.

I realise I have been wearing a mask. A mask only me can visualise and see. A mask that changed my well-being, my true self and my portrayal. I have no plans of unmasking it. I enjoy every single day I wear it. I learned how to embrace and love it. This is the new Marcus that faces the world with a mask called 'Courage'. I am not perfect. I am far from being the best. I am neither a fourth of greatness. But with this mask, I am more than perfect. I see and appreciate things and people at their best. I feel internal greatness with whatever I do. I am satisfied. I am able to see different facets of life. 

Struggling to cap off this post beautifully. Challenged to put a good ending. Musing. 

'Till next time.

And give me this moment to rant.

For some weeks now, life gives me a lot of complications that neither me, nor anyone of you, will fathom. Complications that I never thought would give me repercussions no one can ever imagine. Life is really challenging me that to some extent, I feel unfair and unjust. But who am I to complain? This is life and no matter how I rant nor shout out loud that I do not want to live this kind of life, I am just a human whose life only revolves in his own comfort zone called 'home' and his bread and butter called 'work'. Words are not enough to express how these mishaps are effecting me deeply and thoroughly. I have been wanting a release. I have been longing for an impeccable execution. I have been dreaming for a bliss but all I am getting is always an abyss.


I truly believe end is about to come. End that will put a mark in all of these. End that will start a new beginning. End that will end things I started unknowingly. End that will end this despondency. End is now.

'.. no, I am not in search of someone..'

And this is the classic line I always tell my  trainess, applicants, colleagues, friends and loved ones. And yes! I am lying because underneath this overused phrase is a heart that screams due to longingness for someone. How long have I been using this phrase? Million years ago.

Since the last heartbreak that still torments me even up until this very moment, I can not imagine myself being with someone else. I can not even see myself holding someone's arms and lie every night like what we used to do. Have I been hurt too hard that even up until now I still can't move on? These are the random thoughts I have whenever I lurk on his facebook account:

- Are you truly happy now that you're free?
- How's your life after whosover you meet up and have casual sex with?
- Does that someone prepare your breakfast?
- Do you feel the same feeling you used to feel when you were kissing me?
- Was there even a time that you also missed me and cared to text or call me?
- Am I still welcome if one day I'll show up in our what we used to call 'Home'?
- Did you even dream of me? Even for once?
- Did you even consider what will I feel when we were making love and you silently uttered someone's name? Do you even remember that? Did you even see me weeping?
-  Do you even remember when you let me wait in the midst of the night and I will just receive a text 'I can't make it'?
- Do you still remember when you told me I'll be the one you'll forever love and the plans we've made?
- Do you still remember the big stuffed toy you gave me as your birthday present? Oh yes! I still have him.

A lot of 'Do yous', 'What ifs', 'How is' and 'Why'. The cause is just goodbye.

I thought I have already gotten over it. I thought I have already breakfree. I thought this has already ended. All my thoughts are wrong. Up until when will I be a prisoner of our yesterday? How long do I have to suffer? Ain't three years enough for these realisations?

xoxo

Round 2

Once is enough.
Twice is too much.
Thrice is stupidity.

It is neither the second nor the third time this has occured. People come and go. Sadly, life has to move on albeit everyone has turned their backs on you. Why can't life be so easy and subtle? Why can't we live in a world where the word 'Questions' is nothing but something that has to glide by? Why can't this blog stop from questioning and inquiring moment after moment? Why do we have downtimes? Why and nothing but why.

And it has to happen again. Why have I not learned? Why can't it stop from recurring? Why can't I have a Christmas with my loved ones? Why can't I end the year and welcome another one with my someones? Why do I always have to be lonesome? Why and nothing but why.

I am no one but no one. I breathe. I wake up. I eat. I love. I sleep. I laugh. I pray. I am trying. Why do I have to live a life like this? This life is making me lose my patience. This life is what I live.

Come on love and mesmerize me. Fill me with your enchanting power. Shower me with your sparkling light that makes the world go round. Spare me your superflouous love that others take for granted. Why can't you knock me off my feet like what you did three some months ago? Why can't you astound me with this idyllic 'knight-and-shining-armor' fantasy every little girl has. Why and nothing but why.

As I watch myself in the mirror, as I open my eyes every after sleeping, as I feel hurt every after heartbreak, as I love every minute of the day, as I type every single letter on this keyboard, as I sway to the orgasmic rhythm, tears always fall down.

I am always derange. Life is never perfect, even at it's simplest form. Why can't we all just follow the norm? When will I stop from questioning 'Why?'.

And I believe everything has to end. And I believe everything should end.

xoxo

Falling away..

The irony of the song I'm tuned into right at this moment, whilst my fingers run through this keyboard. The song says 'I am falling away, I'm flying with you to the sound of love'. This is so far from reality. But no, I am not complaining nor blaming someone for this. I'm just happy I am falling away, with a lot of things that keep me busy these days.

I am alone here in our office right now. I already run through a lot of websites and some of them are indeed prohibited. Oh well, this blog is seriously edit-free and whatever comes out of my mind sways with my fingers. I am so out of control and this effing sound in my earphones are taking me away. I feel like dancing. I feel like screaming. I feel like moaning. I feel like whatever. I wanna have sex, oh well, I have been virgin for so many months now. These beats are deeply hitting my sensitive spots. What the eff is happening with me? Trance musics are driving me insane.

I can't help but dance to the beat of this effing song. My 'weirdoness' is so overflowing right now.

It's just, I think, the best way to bid goodbye to weekend and four more hours, hello FUCKING MONDAY!