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It has been raining for some days now. This is the time of the year when all I want to do is to just stay at home and watch the pouring rain flood the streets. Rain has started to inundate thirsty hearts yet dreary nights still linger.Nothing really goes on now but just the music that plays on my earphones.

Mind travels in nothingness.Soul sees vagueness. I am in the state of emptiness. This has already happened and will forever hunt me. This is a no ending beginning of non existence. This is the feeling I call 'hopeless'.

I am sad for no reason. I am gloomy for no reason. I get mad for a certain reason. I get excited for several reasons. These reasons define my existence.

If only I can foresee tomorrow, if only forgetting the past is as easy as glancing, if only the present is as impeccable as my imagination, life is one hell of a wonderful ride. 

My writing goes nowhere. Scribble. Non sense. Random. Boring. It goes to all the people who experience same thing every once in a while. I am nothing but a human being.

I realise I have been wearing a mask. A mask only me can visualise and see. A mask that changed my well-being, my true self and my portrayal. I have no plans of unmasking it. I enjoy every single day I wear it. I learned how to embrace and love it. This is the new Marcus that faces the world with a mask called 'Courage'. I am not perfect. I am far from being the best. I am neither a fourth of greatness. But with this mask, I am more than perfect. I see and appreciate things and people at their best. I feel internal greatness with whatever I do. I am satisfied. I am able to see different facets of life. 

Struggling to cap off this post beautifully. Challenged to put a good ending. Musing. 

'Till next time.

And give me this moment to rant.

For some weeks now, life gives me a lot of complications that neither me, nor anyone of you, will fathom. Complications that I never thought would give me repercussions no one can ever imagine. Life is really challenging me that to some extent, I feel unfair and unjust. But who am I to complain? This is life and no matter how I rant nor shout out loud that I do not want to live this kind of life, I am just a human whose life only revolves in his own comfort zone called 'home' and his bread and butter called 'work'. Words are not enough to express how these mishaps are effecting me deeply and thoroughly. I have been wanting a release. I have been longing for an impeccable execution. I have been dreaming for a bliss but all I am getting is always an abyss.


I truly believe end is about to come. End that will put a mark in all of these. End that will start a new beginning. End that will end things I started unknowingly. End that will end this despondency. End is now.

'.. no, I am not in search of someone..'

And this is the classic line I always tell my  trainess, applicants, colleagues, friends and loved ones. And yes! I am lying because underneath this overused phrase is a heart that screams due to longingness for someone. How long have I been using this phrase? Million years ago.

Since the last heartbreak that still torments me even up until this very moment, I can not imagine myself being with someone else. I can not even see myself holding someone's arms and lie every night like what we used to do. Have I been hurt too hard that even up until now I still can't move on? These are the random thoughts I have whenever I lurk on his facebook account:

- Are you truly happy now that you're free?
- How's your life after whosover you meet up and have casual sex with?
- Does that someone prepare your breakfast?
- Do you feel the same feeling you used to feel when you were kissing me?
- Was there even a time that you also missed me and cared to text or call me?
- Am I still welcome if one day I'll show up in our what we used to call 'Home'?
- Did you even dream of me? Even for once?
- Did you even consider what will I feel when we were making love and you silently uttered someone's name? Do you even remember that? Did you even see me weeping?
-  Do you even remember when you let me wait in the midst of the night and I will just receive a text 'I can't make it'?
- Do you still remember when you told me I'll be the one you'll forever love and the plans we've made?
- Do you still remember the big stuffed toy you gave me as your birthday present? Oh yes! I still have him.

A lot of 'Do yous', 'What ifs', 'How is' and 'Why'. The cause is just goodbye.

I thought I have already gotten over it. I thought I have already breakfree. I thought this has already ended. All my thoughts are wrong. Up until when will I be a prisoner of our yesterday? How long do I have to suffer? Ain't three years enough for these realisations?

xoxo

Round 2

Once is enough.
Twice is too much.
Thrice is stupidity.

It is neither the second nor the third time this has occured. People come and go. Sadly, life has to move on albeit everyone has turned their backs on you. Why can't life be so easy and subtle? Why can't we live in a world where the word 'Questions' is nothing but something that has to glide by? Why can't this blog stop from questioning and inquiring moment after moment? Why do we have downtimes? Why and nothing but why.

And it has to happen again. Why have I not learned? Why can't it stop from recurring? Why can't I have a Christmas with my loved ones? Why can't I end the year and welcome another one with my someones? Why do I always have to be lonesome? Why and nothing but why.

I am no one but no one. I breathe. I wake up. I eat. I love. I sleep. I laugh. I pray. I am trying. Why do I have to live a life like this? This life is making me lose my patience. This life is what I live.

Come on love and mesmerize me. Fill me with your enchanting power. Shower me with your sparkling light that makes the world go round. Spare me your superflouous love that others take for granted. Why can't you knock me off my feet like what you did three some months ago? Why can't you astound me with this idyllic 'knight-and-shining-armor' fantasy every little girl has. Why and nothing but why.

As I watch myself in the mirror, as I open my eyes every after sleeping, as I feel hurt every after heartbreak, as I love every minute of the day, as I type every single letter on this keyboard, as I sway to the orgasmic rhythm, tears always fall down.

I am always derange. Life is never perfect, even at it's simplest form. Why can't we all just follow the norm? When will I stop from questioning 'Why?'.

And I believe everything has to end. And I believe everything should end.

xoxo

Falling away..

The irony of the song I'm tuned into right at this moment, whilst my fingers run through this keyboard. The song says 'I am falling away, I'm flying with you to the sound of love'. This is so far from reality. But no, I am not complaining nor blaming someone for this. I'm just happy I am falling away, with a lot of things that keep me busy these days.

I am alone here in our office right now. I already run through a lot of websites and some of them are indeed prohibited. Oh well, this blog is seriously edit-free and whatever comes out of my mind sways with my fingers. I am so out of control and this effing sound in my earphones are taking me away. I feel like dancing. I feel like screaming. I feel like moaning. I feel like whatever. I wanna have sex, oh well, I have been virgin for so many months now. These beats are deeply hitting my sensitive spots. What the eff is happening with me? Trance musics are driving me insane.

I can't help but dance to the beat of this effing song. My 'weirdoness' is so overflowing right now.

It's just, I think, the best way to bid goodbye to weekend and four more hours, hello FUCKING MONDAY!

Living posi+ively

So I was lurking on a tumbler account of a friend over Twitter. I do not know him personally. Neither do I know his name nor his face. All I know is he is positive and, despite, he lives positively. Yes, he conquers each and every single day of his life battling with AIDS.

AIDS, what do I know about this?

It's fatal. It appears no symptoms but attacks you until the very last breath of your life. It could be acquired in as fast as 2 minutes. And so many other information that google has fed me about this disease. 

He frequently tweets about ARVS, Lamivudine, Avolam etc.. Heck would I care about such terminologies. Never did I encounter those meds in my whole life as I only know Carbocisteine, Cough Syrup and Neozep. But why on the earth am I so much interested with this extraordinaire guy's life? 

Have you guys ever read the book 'Orosa-Nakpil'?. It is a book written by someone dealing with the life of an HIV Positive and the people surrounding him. Upon reading the last parts of that book, I could not help but to cry. Tears continuously fell down as if it happened to me in real life. I was in the arms of someone when I began reading that book. I asked him 'What if one day we'll find out I am positive. Would you remain the same or you'll turn your back on me like you never knew me at all? ' and he honestly answered 'Say you have acquired it from someone, I would remain the same but you should not expect that we could still do things we used to enjoy. Of course, restrictions will be there but know that it is for our own betterment'

What if one day you wake up and find out that you are a carrier? How would you deal with it? How would you cope with a disease that even up until the very present time no antidote has been invented? How would you tell your parents that you have gotten it because you played unsafely? How would you face everyday knowing that sunrise is always a question? How would you face the mirror with all the scars the disease has imparted you? and lastly, how can you go back to the normal life you used to have? 

Here goes backtracking and asking myself, what if? 

To be very honest, I am afraid. How would I answer the questions above? What will be my initial reaction? How will my family accept it? How will I tell them? Would I survive? Would I last? 

This guy has been fighting for almost all of his life. His tumbler account may not be the exact representation of all the hurts he torments from, but it shouts out loud that it touches few hearts who happened to read his blog. I may not feel how the ARV touches my throat, may not feel how painful is hurt, may not experience what he experienced but I know it's something that opened my eyes to reality. Reality that is not only written in books, in blogs or in twitter, but is in someone's circulation and could also be in our circulation, in my circulation. 

I may not have the courage to answer all my questions above but I do hope that if one day, I'll show up with a red ribbon on my shirt, people will see me as the same Marcus who cheerfully greets every morning despite its imperfection.  

For you unknown friend, I wish you nothing but wisdom to face each day with courage. May all the love in the world be with you always. Keep holding on! 

-xoxoMarcusxoxo

That morning when I questioned my sexuality.

Composing my thoughts. Musing how to start this effing ideas I got on my mind. Definitely I so missed blogging. And here it goes...

Last Friday night, cousins and some friends of her together with yours truly partied at CQB in Marikina. It was just my first time going there and I must say that it is the cheaper version of D Zone fronting La Salle. I meant, I felt like it was more of a Mercatto-type place. Nevertheless, I got slightly drunk and did not mind the annoying booming sound of the bar. Oh! Didn't I say that the DJ was my high school classmate? He surely does not have good taste. The bar is located along the main road and party-goers are surely getting the pollution from the vehicles passing through. I was really trying my very best to observe to at least give them one compliment, but it was such an epic fail. I am sorry but all I am saying is that the bar has to improve. 

Fast forwarding this horrible experience, and seeing the 'kind-of-good' side of the night, I met up with some of my old friends. Saw some familiar faces and I felt like I was on my teenies. Cousin had to went home at 2 am and I opted to stay there, unbelievably I stayed there for some more hours. I was with cousin's friend and she invited some of her friends to seat with us. It was actually nice mingling with them but I decided to go home. When one girl showed up and messed my messed life. 

She is an old friend and we got to know more each other when we both ran for SK. I so much admire this girl despite the reputation she has in our place. I must say that you would not like her but I saw something different that made me somewhat blush. But time passed and we went separate ways. 

I saw her with someone I thought her date. I completely transformed into someone anew. Well,  I think I have felt the same feeling I had felt towards her some years ago. For the first time, I exchanged kisses with a girl. (DISCLAIMER: THE KISSES ARE ON CHEEKS NOT ON LIPS). It was around 5am when I decided to leave the bar and head home when suddenly she, the girl this post is meant for, shouted my name and called me. She wanted to go home with me. Well, me pretending to be a gentleman took her to my pad and bought her toothbrush as she requested. We slept together in my bed and I was hugging her. That was the first time I have done it in my entire life. Never did I hug my mom like that. 

For the record, nothing has happened. I mean, seriously nothing has happened. Was I too drunk or have I just respected her? I felt something and readied myself for a battle but I have lost all of them when I thought of the effect a 10-minute pleasure may impart us. I so much felt the urge, the erection was present but I have not done anything. I may be capable of doing it that time since I have been longing for it quite a while now but there was this one thing that forced me to not do it. RESPECT, not the gayness or what but I see every woman as fragile. But I must admit I enjoyed sleeping with her. 

After some hours, she woke me up and asked me if we can go home. As we walked, she held my hand and became too much sweet. I almost felt I am walking with a girlfriend. She has given me a different kind of blush no man has given me. When we parted ways, she kissed me and thanked me. I kissed back and told her to take care of herself. 

Why am I so much affected? Why am I composing this blog about what has happened? Why was I too excited when I received SMS from her? 

To be continued. ..