Game?

Countless reasons as to why you are making me so happy. But one thing is for certain. You are doing it oh so right!

Not so long ago, I was grieving. I was left. I was no one.

You showed up, out of nowhere, said hello. I did say 'hi'. I knew it will be the start of endless hellos.

In a very short period of time, we both got each other's attention. We talked about life, love and other things you have not told anyone before. You were so amazing.

I am taking a risk. I know you are doing the same. I love you. You love me. That's more than enough to face tomorrow.

This may be an unfinished love story, but hell yeah, the plot is getting better and better as days go by.

I can't wait to wake up seeing your beautiful face first thing in the morning. Feeling your breathe touching my cheeks. Experiencing the warmth of your love. Counting your endless hellos.

You are so damn good!

:-)

let this be this for now.

I have loved, I was loved. I made it felt, I felt it, too. We were happy, delusional. We made plans, we hoped, we vowed to have them accomplished. We shared laughs, tears. We were almost there.

Ours was not typical. It was neither conventional. It was one of a kind. It was, at first, envied. It was, in the beginning, perfect. We were almost there.

We slept together. We created dreams together. We were so happy. I was so content. I told myself 'this is it!' We were almost there.

Growing up, I was always the confident one. I am so assured of myself I can do things- alone. I never needed a shoulder to lean on. I never asked for ears to hear me out. I was always heard anyway. I am so capable. I have something unusual. I was almost there.

Little did I know, a man will come to make me feel I am vulnerable. Someone who will make me feel I am a lesser earthling. Someone who, at some point, destroyed my established confidence. Someone who can change me in an instant. He made me feel we were almost there.

Perhaps, that's the beauty of falling in love. It changes your perspective. It changes your personality. It can renew you either for the better or whatever. It gives your life new meanings. It is almost there.

Sunset came, we parted ways. It was painful. It was sudden. It was heartbreaking. I lost my sanity. I wanted to fight for it. I cried. I asked for chances. I tried. He responded with cold shoulders. Did he also think we were almost there?

I was left alone. I was grieving. Will I make it there?

One morning I realised, I am still me. I am still the same Marcus who fought the hardest battles no one would ever want to give a damn. I am that little kid who was once tagged intellectually capable and advance. I have not lost myself. I have just lost my sanity but not my worth. I have legs. My arms are still in pair. I have not lost the lobes of my brain. I can still smile. For once, I am certain. I am still able. I can get there.

The road may still be long and winding. I know I will still meet people along the way. People who will, hopefully, take me back to sanity. People who will give me reasons to write what's on my mind. People who will take me there, or at least help me get there. 

This is never ending. This is a cycle. 

Getting to know myself- virtually.

Your view on yourself:

You are down-to-earth and people like you because you are so straightforward. You are an efficient problem solver because you will listen to both sides of an argument before making a decision that usually appeals to both parties.

The type of girlfriend/boyfriend you are looking for:

You are a true romantic. When you are in love, you will do anything and everything to keep your love true.

Your readiness to commit to a relationship:

You are ready to commit as soon as you meet the right person. And you believe you will pretty much know as soon as you might that person.
The seriousness of your love:

You like to flirt and behave seductively. The opposite sex finds this very attractive, and that's why you'll always have admirers hanging off your arms. But how serious are you about choosing someone to be in a relationship with?
Your views on education

Education is very important in life. You want to study hard and learn as much as you can.
The right job for you:

You're a practical person and will choose a secure job with a steady income. Knowing what you like to do is important. Find a regular job doing just that and you'll be set for life.
How do you view success:

You are confident that you will be successful in your chosen career and nothing will stop you from trying.
What are you most afraid of:

You are afraid of things that you cannot control. Sometimes you show your anger to cover up how you feel.
Who is your true self:

You are full of energy and confidence. You are unpredictable, with moods changing as quickly as an ocean. You might occasionally be calm and still, but never for long.


90% True!

You know it is going nowhere.

It has been a long time, long long time, since I last saw you. The last time I wrote on you was purely untitled. It meant nothing. It is nothing. You know, I am aware at times you are mad at me. I only lurk or even check up on you when I am down, sad, going nowhere, desolated, despondent and other adjectives that best describe loneliness. And yes, for the nth time, it strikes again.

This blog has been made not to rant, neither will this serve as my other venue to speak the unspoken madness, craziness and insanity I have in me. But it is turning, well actually turned out, to be something close and similar to that. I could not remember telling you about my happiness, accomplishments, new people in my life, my new possessions. Rather, it is always the opposite. I know at times you wish to just shut your self down. Believe me, I will not know how to get by if my only friend, in your persona, will get tired to listen to all my pieces and just suddenly disappear. I hope to cultivate whatever kind of friendship, okay relationship, we have. Nevertheless, you know how much I love you. Because of you, I get to exercise my writing skills that I am starting to forget. Thanks for always being there.

It's 12:04 in the afternoon. Sunny is just so sweet to let us experience his bitter sweet warmth. In 12 hours, I am turning 23. You got it right, yours truly is already sweet 23. Let me show you my own version of 'throwback' and take you back to my childhood.

On 18th May 1991, Marcus was delivered to the world. Full of joy, I guess, mom and dad named him Mark Joseph. His childhood was not the ideal one, neither was it the superlative of bad. It started out just fine. He only wanted a burger whenever his dad goes home from his bread and butter. He enjoyed simple pleasures. They are neither rich nor the poorest. I can say, they were surviving. After good five years, his family had another baby - Ramon. Just like in the movies, that momentous event the first time parents lay their eyes on their babies-

Pardon me, I can't type anymore. Not that I am tired, but I have long forgotten about the past. I do not live and dwell in the past. I may say my autobiography is not for the books, blogs or elsewhere.

Life is not always about exciting new beginnings, rising denouement, happy endings. This is facing the reality and always have the 'moving forward' attitude. In my 23 years of existence, I have learned and experienced a lot of things. Felt a lot of emotions. Myriad orgasms in both sexual and mental aspects. Met a lot of people, some stayed, some are steady but a lot of them just glided by. Welcome to my life!

I do not know, and do not even have the slightest idea, how my life will end. Will I live peacefully? Will I age gracefully? Will I mature naturally? Will I die happily? Maybe after writing and posting this, I will die. I may also live longer. Who knows? I just do not expect.

I have no idea how to end this post. So, I guess, 'till I see you again.

This too shall pass.

Happy Birthday, Marcus!

Untitled

It has been raining for some days now. This is the time of the year when all I want to do is to just stay at home and watch the pouring rain flood the streets. Rain has started to inundate thirsty hearts yet dreary nights still linger.Nothing really goes on now but just the music that plays on my earphones.

Mind travels in nothingness.Soul sees vagueness. I am in the state of emptiness. This has already happened and will forever hunt me. This is a no ending beginning of non existence. This is the feeling I call 'hopeless'.

I am sad for no reason. I am gloomy for no reason. I get mad for a certain reason. I get excited for several reasons. These reasons define my existence.

If only I can foresee tomorrow, if only forgetting the past is as easy as glancing, if only the present is as impeccable as my imagination, life is one hell of a wonderful ride. 

My writing goes nowhere. Scribble. Non sense. Random. Boring. It goes to all the people who experience same thing every once in a while. I am nothing but a human being.

I realise I have been wearing a mask. A mask only me can visualise and see. A mask that changed my well-being, my true self and my portrayal. I have no plans of unmasking it. I enjoy every single day I wear it. I learned how to embrace and love it. This is the new Marcus that faces the world with a mask called 'Courage'. I am not perfect. I am far from being the best. I am neither a fourth of greatness. But with this mask, I am more than perfect. I see and appreciate things and people at their best. I feel internal greatness with whatever I do. I am satisfied. I am able to see different facets of life. 

Struggling to cap off this post beautifully. Challenged to put a good ending. Musing. 

'Till next time.

And give me this moment to rant.

For some weeks now, life gives me a lot of complications that neither me, nor anyone of you, will fathom. Complications that I never thought would give me repercussions no one can ever imagine. Life is really challenging me that to some extent, I feel unfair and unjust. But who am I to complain? This is life and no matter how I rant nor shout out loud that I do not want to live this kind of life, I am just a human whose life only revolves in his own comfort zone called 'home' and his bread and butter called 'work'. Words are not enough to express how these mishaps are effecting me deeply and thoroughly. I have been wanting a release. I have been longing for an impeccable execution. I have been dreaming for a bliss but all I am getting is always an abyss.


I truly believe end is about to come. End that will put a mark in all of these. End that will start a new beginning. End that will end things I started unknowingly. End that will end this despondency. End is now.

'.. no, I am not in search of someone..'

And this is the classic line I always tell my  trainess, applicants, colleagues, friends and loved ones. And yes! I am lying because underneath this overused phrase is a heart that screams due to longingness for someone. How long have I been using this phrase? Million years ago.

Since the last heartbreak that still torments me even up until this very moment, I can not imagine myself being with someone else. I can not even see myself holding someone's arms and lie every night like what we used to do. Have I been hurt too hard that even up until now I still can't move on? These are the random thoughts I have whenever I lurk on his facebook account:

- Are you truly happy now that you're free?
- How's your life after whosover you meet up and have casual sex with?
- Does that someone prepare your breakfast?
- Do you feel the same feeling you used to feel when you were kissing me?
- Was there even a time that you also missed me and cared to text or call me?
- Am I still welcome if one day I'll show up in our what we used to call 'Home'?
- Did you even dream of me? Even for once?
- Did you even consider what will I feel when we were making love and you silently uttered someone's name? Do you even remember that? Did you even see me weeping?
-  Do you even remember when you let me wait in the midst of the night and I will just receive a text 'I can't make it'?
- Do you still remember when you told me I'll be the one you'll forever love and the plans we've made?
- Do you still remember the big stuffed toy you gave me as your birthday present? Oh yes! I still have him.

A lot of 'Do yous', 'What ifs', 'How is' and 'Why'. The cause is just goodbye.

I thought I have already gotten over it. I thought I have already breakfree. I thought this has already ended. All my thoughts are wrong. Up until when will I be a prisoner of our yesterday? How long do I have to suffer? Ain't three years enough for these realisations?

xoxo

Round 2

Once is enough.
Twice is too much.
Thrice is stupidity.

It is neither the second nor the third time this has occured. People come and go. Sadly, life has to move on albeit everyone has turned their backs on you. Why can't life be so easy and subtle? Why can't we live in a world where the word 'Questions' is nothing but something that has to glide by? Why can't this blog stop from questioning and inquiring moment after moment? Why do we have downtimes? Why and nothing but why.

And it has to happen again. Why have I not learned? Why can't it stop from recurring? Why can't I have a Christmas with my loved ones? Why can't I end the year and welcome another one with my someones? Why do I always have to be lonesome? Why and nothing but why.

I am no one but no one. I breathe. I wake up. I eat. I love. I sleep. I laugh. I pray. I am trying. Why do I have to live a life like this? This life is making me lose my patience. This life is what I live.

Come on love and mesmerize me. Fill me with your enchanting power. Shower me with your sparkling light that makes the world go round. Spare me your superflouous love that others take for granted. Why can't you knock me off my feet like what you did three some months ago? Why can't you astound me with this idyllic 'knight-and-shining-armor' fantasy every little girl has. Why and nothing but why.

As I watch myself in the mirror, as I open my eyes every after sleeping, as I feel hurt every after heartbreak, as I love every minute of the day, as I type every single letter on this keyboard, as I sway to the orgasmic rhythm, tears always fall down.

I am always derange. Life is never perfect, even at it's simplest form. Why can't we all just follow the norm? When will I stop from questioning 'Why?'.

And I believe everything has to end. And I believe everything should end.

xoxo

Falling away..

The irony of the song I'm tuned into right at this moment, whilst my fingers run through this keyboard. The song says 'I am falling away, I'm flying with you to the sound of love'. This is so far from reality. But no, I am not complaining nor blaming someone for this. I'm just happy I am falling away, with a lot of things that keep me busy these days.

I am alone here in our office right now. I already run through a lot of websites and some of them are indeed prohibited. Oh well, this blog is seriously edit-free and whatever comes out of my mind sways with my fingers. I am so out of control and this effing sound in my earphones are taking me away. I feel like dancing. I feel like screaming. I feel like moaning. I feel like whatever. I wanna have sex, oh well, I have been virgin for so many months now. These beats are deeply hitting my sensitive spots. What the eff is happening with me? Trance musics are driving me insane.

I can't help but dance to the beat of this effing song. My 'weirdoness' is so overflowing right now.

It's just, I think, the best way to bid goodbye to weekend and four more hours, hello FUCKING MONDAY!

Living posi+ively

So I was lurking on a tumbler account of a friend over Twitter. I do not know him personally. Neither do I know his name nor his face. All I know is he is positive and, despite, he lives positively. Yes, he conquers each and every single day of his life battling with AIDS.

AIDS, what do I know about this?

It's fatal. It appears no symptoms but attacks you until the very last breath of your life. It could be acquired in as fast as 2 minutes. And so many other information that google has fed me about this disease. 

He frequently tweets about ARVS, Lamivudine, Avolam etc.. Heck would I care about such terminologies. Never did I encounter those meds in my whole life as I only know Carbocisteine, Cough Syrup and Neozep. But why on the earth am I so much interested with this extraordinaire guy's life? 

Have you guys ever read the book 'Orosa-Nakpil'?. It is a book written by someone dealing with the life of an HIV Positive and the people surrounding him. Upon reading the last parts of that book, I could not help but to cry. Tears continuously fell down as if it happened to me in real life. I was in the arms of someone when I began reading that book. I asked him 'What if one day we'll find out I am positive. Would you remain the same or you'll turn your back on me like you never knew me at all? ' and he honestly answered 'Say you have acquired it from someone, I would remain the same but you should not expect that we could still do things we used to enjoy. Of course, restrictions will be there but know that it is for our own betterment'

What if one day you wake up and find out that you are a carrier? How would you deal with it? How would you cope with a disease that even up until the very present time no antidote has been invented? How would you tell your parents that you have gotten it because you played unsafely? How would you face everyday knowing that sunrise is always a question? How would you face the mirror with all the scars the disease has imparted you? and lastly, how can you go back to the normal life you used to have? 

Here goes backtracking and asking myself, what if? 

To be very honest, I am afraid. How would I answer the questions above? What will be my initial reaction? How will my family accept it? How will I tell them? Would I survive? Would I last? 

This guy has been fighting for almost all of his life. His tumbler account may not be the exact representation of all the hurts he torments from, but it shouts out loud that it touches few hearts who happened to read his blog. I may not feel how the ARV touches my throat, may not feel how painful is hurt, may not experience what he experienced but I know it's something that opened my eyes to reality. Reality that is not only written in books, in blogs or in twitter, but is in someone's circulation and could also be in our circulation, in my circulation. 

I may not have the courage to answer all my questions above but I do hope that if one day, I'll show up with a red ribbon on my shirt, people will see me as the same Marcus who cheerfully greets every morning despite its imperfection.  

For you unknown friend, I wish you nothing but wisdom to face each day with courage. May all the love in the world be with you always. Keep holding on! 

-xoxoMarcusxoxo

That morning when I questioned my sexuality.

Composing my thoughts. Musing how to start this effing ideas I got on my mind. Definitely I so missed blogging. And here it goes...

Last Friday night, cousins and some friends of her together with yours truly partied at CQB in Marikina. It was just my first time going there and I must say that it is the cheaper version of D Zone fronting La Salle. I meant, I felt like it was more of a Mercatto-type place. Nevertheless, I got slightly drunk and did not mind the annoying booming sound of the bar. Oh! Didn't I say that the DJ was my high school classmate? He surely does not have good taste. The bar is located along the main road and party-goers are surely getting the pollution from the vehicles passing through. I was really trying my very best to observe to at least give them one compliment, but it was such an epic fail. I am sorry but all I am saying is that the bar has to improve. 

Fast forwarding this horrible experience, and seeing the 'kind-of-good' side of the night, I met up with some of my old friends. Saw some familiar faces and I felt like I was on my teenies. Cousin had to went home at 2 am and I opted to stay there, unbelievably I stayed there for some more hours. I was with cousin's friend and she invited some of her friends to seat with us. It was actually nice mingling with them but I decided to go home. When one girl showed up and messed my messed life. 

She is an old friend and we got to know more each other when we both ran for SK. I so much admire this girl despite the reputation she has in our place. I must say that you would not like her but I saw something different that made me somewhat blush. But time passed and we went separate ways. 

I saw her with someone I thought her date. I completely transformed into someone anew. Well,  I think I have felt the same feeling I had felt towards her some years ago. For the first time, I exchanged kisses with a girl. (DISCLAIMER: THE KISSES ARE ON CHEEKS NOT ON LIPS). It was around 5am when I decided to leave the bar and head home when suddenly she, the girl this post is meant for, shouted my name and called me. She wanted to go home with me. Well, me pretending to be a gentleman took her to my pad and bought her toothbrush as she requested. We slept together in my bed and I was hugging her. That was the first time I have done it in my entire life. Never did I hug my mom like that. 

For the record, nothing has happened. I mean, seriously nothing has happened. Was I too drunk or have I just respected her? I felt something and readied myself for a battle but I have lost all of them when I thought of the effect a 10-minute pleasure may impart us. I so much felt the urge, the erection was present but I have not done anything. I may be capable of doing it that time since I have been longing for it quite a while now but there was this one thing that forced me to not do it. RESPECT, not the gayness or what but I see every woman as fragile. But I must admit I enjoyed sleeping with her. 

After some hours, she woke me up and asked me if we can go home. As we walked, she held my hand and became too much sweet. I almost felt I am walking with a girlfriend. She has given me a different kind of blush no man has given me. When we parted ways, she kissed me and thanked me. I kissed back and told her to take care of herself. 

Why am I so much affected? Why am I composing this blog about what has happened? Why was I too excited when I received SMS from her? 

To be continued. ..

Where do I begin?

Writing this would have been more fun if I have music on the side. But since it is useless at this very moment, I had to endure the pain of doing it without a little something that keeps me motivated.

Last Friday Night....

My dear slash glam friend from my recent workplace and I went to Eastwood to meet up with our third sister. My friend and I have not seen our third sister for the longest time. She has spent much of her time and affection to her former boyfriend (Well, they just broke up!). To ignore the part where our third sister has to reign, we partied at Agave. We have started partying at around past seven in the evening. As expected, since the three glam and fab individuals have met, the night has turned out to be something different. 

My friend and I have ordered unlimited glass of Margarita, well apparently they call it bottomless Margarita, and our dear sister has opted to quaff Tanduay Ice. It was so wonderful up until late midnight. Not noticing the amount of Margarita I have gulped, things around me have started to revolve and look differently. Gotcha! I am officially under the influence of 10 big glasses of Margaritas. I puked and yes! I could no longer walk straight. 

My friend was so gentleman enough to drop me off few metres away from my place. I swear! Margarita did a good job in making moi really and terribly drunk. 

The day after....

I underwent a very bloody prophylaxis. It was the very first time I bled like hell. I did not love it as much as how I loved the very first time it was done to me. The result? I now have a shining shimmering splendid smile. LOL!

Love?

This will be somewhat sentimental as it is love, that did not make sense. Nevertheless, let me share it to you my blog.

As a living creature of God, I also long for someone that can love me albeit it is not the way how I wanted to be loved. This has always been a part of my prayers and has long wished for it. I know I can live even without  the presence of someone in my life. Just recently, this particular aspect that I wish for has been granted. Someone that I have just known and met has stood tall and showed off his manliness. This someone has given   me a different affection that I have only felt with my formers. 

I can say he is neither my type nor my preference as a partner, but he showed me something beyond his looks, words and whatever! Consistently sent me text messages, updated me about his whereabouts and even if he has had to take either his brekky, lunch or dinner, he has never forgotten to send me a text message. So, I felt like 'Is this really true?' 

You know, if you came from a not-so-good break up, it will be hard for you to open up your heart again to someone. I have learned that, and I always advise this to my friends, before you enter a relationship and love someone, make sure that you impeccably know how and why you are loving yourself. We must give value first to ourselves before appreciating the value of others. We must allow ourselves to grow first so that by the time we are ready to share ourselves with someone, we already know the basics of love and life. 

It took so many nights before I came up with a very heartbreaking decision. I did not know whether it was for good or what but all I knew that time was I am firm and I need not to be cessated. So, I ended everything. I know what I did was unfair but I just did not find any reason and advantage of being with someone at the wrong time. Since then, I have not replied to any of messages and deleted his number. If by any chance that this person will lurk on my page and read this, please accept my apologies. It was never my intention to hurt you but understand that I do not want to prolong something that I foresee will not grow as how you are perceiving it. I know you have so much loved me in a very short time we have had, but I know I do not deserve the love you have offered. Thank you so much!

Moving on...

I can not deny the fact that I have never been this happy. I feel complete despite all the imperfections of everyday. I grew so much and transformed myself into someone I never thought I would be. I appreciate little things that come across everyday. 

Sad but not so sad.

2011 has ended quite harsh. Well, I really would want to narrate it but it will only break me reminiscing the mishaps I am coping with. Sad? yes! but still moving on. I have learned that there is more to life than sadness and desolation. This life is giving me challenges that I merely survive. Challenges that give me courage to fight and walk with pride. Challenges that I have never imagined nor dreamt of. There are times that I am thinking of giving up and just walk away. But I know that doing so will only prove that quitters are losers.

I wish I can press rewind and turn back time where I still have my Mom and Dad. I know that I was raised well despite their absence. However, I know that I will be more than raised well if only I had them with me during trying times. Why do I always have to understand things? Why can't I be understood? Why do I always need to adjust? Why can't they adjust? I know that ranting this pathetic lines will only bring nothing but  tears. Oh! gosh! This entry is getting emotional- well what's new? 

Most say that I am smart. Most believe that I can cope with almost everything easily. Most know that I am a fighter. Most see me as a funny guy. I wish I can be that person that they are expecting to be. Not most know, I also shed tears whenever lonesome deteriorates me. I also know how to get hurt. 

So now, I am playing three roles. A Mother, a Father and a Brother. I have to embody these three personas to be able to survive. It is not easy, believe me. I am sending my brother to school, provide him everything he needs, give him a righteous life and provide him the love he never experienced from the other personas I am portraying. I do the laundry, iron our clothes, prepare our foods, work for our needs and all that. I know I also have to live my own life. I manage work wisely, I mingle with my friends, I sometimes go out and I blog. In spite of that, I still feel incomplete. Hence, this is the reason why I sometimes feel lonely. But I know I can live without it. Diversion of attention is the key. It should not distract and hinder me from reaching my goals. 

This is an another predicament entry. 

May this year be my year! I am very positive that I will be complete in time. 

Happy New Year Everyone!

BIR Experiences. What should I expect?

This is one of my most-hate part of landing / getting a new job- completing pre-employment requirements. I hate the medical examination, I hate the NBI application, I hate almost everything. So to cut the story short- which was ruined by hassling getting-this and getting-that- I have gone to BIR RDO 43-A (LOL!)

I was there at around 4:00PM. There were three allocated desks which service general inquiries like mine- getting TIN Card. The Security Guard handed me number 48. Since it was just my first time going on that kinda place- which smells like a publishing house- I asked Manong Guard 'Kuya what is this for po?' and he answered "Ay para po yan sa number ninyo. Tingin lang po kayo dun sa may number na red and you will know if it's your turn." and I was like "Okay. Thanks." So I filled out a form and headed to the waiting lounge- luckily they have.

On the waiting lounge, I saw pile of people waiting for their number to be prompted on the monitor positioned on top of the three desks which I have mentioned earlier. I was holding number 48 whereas the number prompted at that time was just number two. I would have to wait for 46 more peeps to finish before my turn. So I glanced and looked around. At first sight, you will notice a heaps of paper scattered everywhere. There are so many things which will make you uncomfortable with that place. The smell is so loathsome. Yes it has AC but with that volume of people, it does nothing.

So came 4:58PM, and two more minutes they were about to close the operation, the number prompting has stopped. It has prompted number 47 for almost 10 minutes. I was in a big disappointment at that time and I could no longer hold it back. In my mind, I had almost cursed the three clerks who did nothing but put stamps on papers. I felt so disconcerted that I knew I had to do something. I did not go there just to be advised to go back on Monday- since it was Friday when I went there. So I gazed the whole vicinity and something was not right. This girl, who kept on going back for whatever her reasons was, caught my attention. She kept on going back to the second clerk. So, with so much animosity and frustration, I stood up. Below is how our conversation fired up the people who witnessed how mad I was. (DISCLAIMER: I am neither happy nor proud about it. It was just a normal reaction coming from someone who feels discombobulated.)

Me: Ma'am excuse me, may I know what number you are holding?
Her: (Searching for a piece of paper inside her cheap bag) 57!
Me: Oh! Okay! So you must know that the number was stuck-up to 47 because of you and I am expected to be seated on the chair you are seating right now. I was provided with number 48 by the guards and was in this place for almost an hour now.
Her: Ooops! I am sorry. I just need to finish this one. (Showing me a rim of form from BIR)
Me: So are you implying that I need to wait and the rest of us here for you to finish before we can be serviced?
Her: No. (Giving me a fierce look)
Me: So do you think I will allow you to be on that seat considering that I have been here waiting for almost an hour now?
Her: No! (Shouting)
Me: With all due respect Ma'am, will you please get out of that chair and wait for your number be prompted on that monitor on top of your head?
Her: You are rude!
Me: Good thing your brain was able to generate an adjective that best describes how I treated someone as dumb as you that even numbers 1-48 does not know.

And she walked away with so much frustration and side comments. And for whoever who is going to read this, we conversed (or should I say "argued") using the English language. Those are the exact words that came out of my lips as far as my audiographic memory can remember. I am so pissed.

Fast-forwarding what happened next and disregarding how the guards consoled me, I sat on the chair where the biatch was sitting. I informed the clerk that I am going to get my TIN Card. So I handed him filled out form.

Clerk: Nagalit kayo dun Sir ah.
Me: Kasi naman simpleng number rules lang hindi pa niya masunod. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it na po. (Handing him my filled out form)
Clerk: Pasensya na Sir ah.
Me: That's fine. It's not even your mistake.
Clerk: Kayo ba ito Sir? (Checking if I had filled out the form correctly) Ah, binata pa pala kayo. Ingat kayo Sir. Mga ganyang hitsura ang habulin.
Me: (Giving him this dumbfounded look) Huh?

And he just smiled.

My Grown up Christmas List.

So there goes sadness again. It won over happiness. It is driving me to contemplate for another entry on my blog site. As I rummaged for thoughts to blog, I opened You Tube and searched for a back ground song to play while writing. Out of nowhere, a Christmas song has started to play. It made me reminisce all the past Christmases I had.

I asked myself what do I miss whenever the holiday season comes. I started reminiscing and none of them are worth remembering. It was either I am in the office working or at home alone. Suddenly an idea has popped up  out of my mind.



____________________________________________________________________




I was, I guess, 4 to 6 years old that time. Christmas was the happiest time of the year for me. Presents, candy canes, gift wrappers, glittered ribbons, tall Christmas trees, entertaining Christmas lights in different colors and styles were everywhere. Streets were filled with different designs of "Parols". Cousins have visited me to exchange gifts. My heart was full of happiness.

It was the 24th of December. Mom prepared foods that are bizarre to my sight. Foods that could only be seen during my birthdays and whenever we attend parties of my playmates. Mom decorated the house. She had rummaged the curtains she only displays once a year. The house was full of excitement and colors which reminded me that it was not just an ordinary day. Mom played a Christmas song. She held me and we danced   like crazy. I saw Mom's heart-pounding joy. I whispered "I wish everyday is a Christmas day"

Pop came home late, I inferred he was drunk. I saw the redness in his face and he was somewhat like mad. Mom greeted him. Pop ignored. I thought there was a problem. Minutes after, I saw Pop screaming. He shouted and gone wild. I saw Mom sobbing. She covered her face so that I would not witness how she cried. Pop continued to shout. He even slapped Mom. At a very young age, I could not comprehend how an impeccable day turned out to be somewhat gruesome. Mom said nothing. She continued to cry while Pop was ranting. I could not do anything but to watch them fighting from afar. I felt so helpless. I felt so despondent. There was a short pause. I heard nothing but the Christmas song being played. Suddenly, a pause was broken by the sound of a falling plates and silver wares. I saw the prepared and cooked foods of Mom scattered on the floor. The place was topsy-turvy. Pop, for the nth time, slapped Mom. She had lost her balance and fell down. I could see Mom crawling and begging Pop to stop. I witnessed her stopped moving. I asked myself "Has she lost her consciousness?"

I saw the bloods scattered everywhere. I witnessed the pain and sufferings. That night was just so horrifying. Tears have fallen down on my eyes. I could not move. I could not think. I could not breathe.

I was awaken by the annoying siren of the ambulance. "What is happening?" I asked someone. Police, bystanders, neighbors, and some relatives were there telling me to just rest. I saw guys in uniform holding something. It was a bed-like thing covered with a white cloth. One by one, they load them inside the ambulance. I looked around. I searched for Mom and Pop. They were not there. I saw my little cousin approaching. She asked me "What did you do? Why did you do that?......." and she was pulled away by her Mom crying. I rested and I slept.

It was 9:30 in the morning when I woke up. I saw gifts and basket of fruits on the table on my left. I saw nothing but the Air Con, a TV set hanged on top of a small window, a big bed to which I was lying, bottled waters and a dextrose thrusted on my left hand. "I am in the hospital!" I confirmed to myself. I shouted Mom's name. No one answered but someone opened the door. It was my Aunt who entered the room. She was crying. I asked her "Why?" but she did not respond. Another man, which I suspected one of the uniformed guys from last night, has entered the room. He said "Merry Christmas!" and smiled.

He asked me if I have had good sleep. I quickly answered "Yes!" and stared at my Aunt. The uniformed guy continued to ask me. He wanted me to remember and narrate what happened last night. I asked where Mom and Pop is. Aunt started to cry and left the room. The guy answered "They are already dead." I did not believe but I cried until I ran out of tears. I asked the uniformed guy "Who killed them?". I was shocked when he answered "You!". "You killed your Father and Mother using this gun" , he added. He was holding a ziploc-like plastic container and inside it was a gun. He started to interrogate me until I began remembering what happened the night before.

"Stop it!" I shouted Pop. "Don't dare get out of your room or you will be in trouble!", he exclaimed. I headed towards Mom  and held her hand. Pop kicked me. He pushed me to their room and locked the door. I was so desperate. I knew I had to help Mom. I was aware how painful she feels that time and that she needs me. I looked for something. I saw Pop's gun inside his mini pedestal. I put it inside my pocket and tried to unlock the door. I got out of the room. I shouted "Pop, stop it! I repeat!" He answered "I said do not go out! You little bastard! I will punish you!" Dad then walked heading on my direction. He was holding a baseball bat. He saw me holding his gun. He begged me to put it down. I remained firm. I cried and accidentally hit the trigger. Dad fell down. A moment of silence was finally observed. The only thing I heard was the song being played. "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire....." 

16 Christmases have passed by. 16 years of tears have gone dry. It was just like yesterday. I can still hear the painful roars of yesteryears.  The perfect yet sorrowful picture of crime is still in my dreams. I can still smell the blood like a breeze. The painful past will never disappear. How many more December 25 should pass? How many more questions to ask? How many more tears should shed? I feel like a corpse. I feel like dead.

20 years of living is like 20 years of suffering. Now, Christmas is about to come. I feel the breeze, I feel the coldness, I feel the sadness, I feel the emptiness. I do not wish for toys, presents, money or anything that money can give and buy. All I wish for is the same Family I used to have and enjoy 16 years ago. This is my grown up Christmas list.

The happiness that makes me sad..

Emoness.. Yeah! It struck me again.

The past week was one of the crucial week that I had on my entire living in this world. Well, almost every week is crucial but this one is different. I mean really different. I have experienced lots of agony. I have accepted the fact long time ago that things in this world cannot be perfect no matter how hard we try to make it impeccable. I also have accepted the "mere" fact that we, humans, will not be contented despite of the things and happiness that we have. It is only and will only be my friend "Mahatma Gandhi" who possesses that kind of attitude. Going back to my emoness, the last week tested my humanity and the friendships that I gained and earned for almost 19 years of my life. I've been absent for five days last week from March 14- March 19 due to my emoness and not sickness.

Exploring and uncovering the brighter side of each dark side.

I was sitting on a place where different types of people meet and gather. It was a very dreary night. Not the typical night that I know of, not the typical night that we all know of. Just like time, people passed by so fast. They headed to different directions of their emotions. It is a place for fun that suddenly turned into something strange making my emotions weak. Tears fell down and yes! my faith have broken down too. I've seen nothing but just the falling leaves from the nearby tree. People stared at me. They must have noticed me crying. They must have witnessed part of my weakness. It was so theatrical. It was so dramatic. I, indeed, looked so pathetic. With the emptiness in my head, I walked. Nothing's inside my head. Not even my pets, not even my thoughts for blogging, not even my wild sex scenes, not even my love fantasy and most especially, not even myself. I was walking like a corpse. I've felt nothing and heard nothing but just the hum I kept singing in my mind. I felt so meaningless. As night goes by, my mind flies. It was as sadden as the catastrophe that rocks Japan. The only question in my mind that time was "HOW WILL I COPE? HOW WILL I RECOVER?". I realized that even if I think of it a billion times, that even if the moon will come down and tell me "Sleep now my dear.." ,answer is not yet ready to be prevailed so I wander instead. Not so long time ago, I've been like this- I've been into this. I have never learned. I'm such a fool. I admit, I have to be reprimanded. I know for a fact that it is not the end, it will not be the end and it is infinite. Just like what they say, HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, and it keeps on repeating for no particular reason. I have endured suffering for my own mistakes, have been punished for the faults I made, have been reprimanded for not having faith, have been scolded for not listening to what they say. How can a human say he or she is complete? How can an individual prove that he or she is worth it? How can we know what we worth? If living is as hard as struggling to the waves of the ocean and as harsh as the roaring thunder then leaving will be as easy as 1-2-3. It will be as easy as A-B-C. Now, I am looking for someone who can stand tall and have stood tall for something they believe in. Regardless if it's right or not as long as he or she believes, I salute you. I wanna be like you. I wanna stand for something I believe even if it's unbelievable. I am a prisoner of my own thoughts, I am jailed with my thoughts and my own thoughts are killing me. I wanna be free.
How can someone be free as how they wanted to be?

Baguio getaway....

I just love Baguio (BA_GI_YO -just like how my foreigner friend pronounced it) With this so much love in my heart, I was thinking of moving there for good and living my life to the fullest without being forced and living the real life a real human should feel and experience...Me and my officemates stayed there for 3 days and 2 nights and I, personally, concluded that those days and nights are not enough to experience what Baguio offers us (as a tourist).  I enjoyed the food, experience and the fun I had for that short period of time. 'Zipline' was good and to be honest, it was just my first time riding on that flying thing that made my heart and my body feel so numb. I really really enjoyed it.. If there is a place that I would like to settle down - so far- it's going to be, Baguio.

Anyway, so much for appreciation and all that thing. How's life Marcus? How's the air you breathe and the people that sorround you? How's work? How's bloglife? Well, it made me jump- literally, when I found out that from 2 followers I now have 5..haha..good job! 

(sudden pause...coz I can't think of a word to say) 

There you go..I am happy now..I mean happier..I am being paid well by my job and I feel like every single night that I am awake is equally paid off. I just love my life now..Can't wait to see Baguio again..Till next time dear Blog..Byee..:0

Back from a long hiatus...

The last time that I have visited this blogspot was a month ago. I have been too busy in my personal life, career and "sort of" love lives- but I don't want to talk about love lives. I have concluded that they will just add shit* in my fucking life. Well, as regards with my career, I am now with Sykes. Compensations are great and am now in the 2nd week of training for an American TelCo account. With regard to my personal life, I am still alive and kicking- as usual. I am still trying to cope up with things I never thought I will encounter.


Okay! I am lost...I can't write anything. I can't think of anything. I am not motivated. All I'm hearing now is the voice of my cousin narrating his feelings about his nanny. His nanny's laundry wash. He doesn't like it obviously. Now he is talking about the bottomless iced tea he and his colleagues used to enjoy whenever they are thirsty and free. Anyway, the past month of my life was considerably one of the most exciting and tiring month of my life. I enjoyed that because I was with my "kapatid" yang.

Anyway, I blogged because I am about to publish the part one of my own story/  creation. I have done this during our training at Sykes. Since our trainer was busy discussing something. I have taken advantage of that time to do this. Here it goes...

The day of our greatest bereavement.

Part 1.
Original composition of Marcus.


It was dark, boisterous, cold and frightening.
The only light that you can see is the light coming from a candle that shines for almost fourth part of the room.
There were screams, shouts and cries that covered the whole place.
You will hear nothing but just those sounds.
It was horrible.
Everyone seemed to die as every minute passes by.
Sounds started to rise as if it intends to break our ears.

It's still dark.
Darkness covered our eyes and our hopes.
Scattered pieces of peace and leaves were on the floor.
The candle from afar has started to lose it's light.
It's lux has gone, our light has gone.
Cold wind is what were breathing in and out.
Freight reigned all over the place; Monsters eating our faith.
A sudden silence was observed.
In a flash of light, sound deserts.
A sudden silence turned into hours and years.
No one attempted to speak nor breathe.
Some died with words unspoken.
Some left with grief unexpressed.
I remained silent.
Almost everybody remained silent.
I remained standing while everyone was sitting.
I remained hoping when everyone was floating.

Years and years have passed by.
Tears and tears have gone dry.
From millions to thousands and now zeroes, no one stood up for it's people.
I cried, I sighed and I hide.
The feelings just let them go by.
I kneeled, I bleed and I tried.
But no one remained alive to fight back.
Again, my heart remained calm.
Hoping that there will be no harm.
I again gazed the whole nation.
Crowd was full of depression.
I can't remember the fear it brought me seeing my peers are dreary.
Oblivion starts to fall down.
They have forgotten the ways they should have taken.
They have missed the trains they should have boarded.
Fears and tears collided; Sweats and breathes were controlled.

I wandered.
I explored the whole area.
I have gone out of the room.
I have seen bloody soldiers holding their guns.
They shouted "Kalayaan!" -that sounds so unfamiliar.
I touched their heads and they started to die.
I have seen traces of punishments, drought, sufferings and maltreatments.
Their bloody bodies covered the entire place.
I have seen red, white and blue cloths and covered it to their bodies.
They cried and summoned for help.
Another man shouted "Kalayaan!" I asked him "What is that?"
He was shocked!- as if he had seen a monster that will suddenly eat him.
I ignored; I walked again.
From the distance, I see pile of people for decapitation.
I headed to that place.
I was shocked! I have cried and I screamed.
Poor people are next to the list.
I tried to shout in as loud as I can but it seems like no one cares.
They continued to decapitate vigilant.
They seemed to be so arrogant.
They laughed and laughed while watching blood drops.
I heard someone saying "Maawa!" of which I am not familiar of.
I asked one of the soldiers "What is maawa?".
He told me "This is what you want!"


I was like day- dreaming.
It's more than sleep- walking.
It's more of trouble- sleeping.
I observed the surrounding.
I asked myself what was happening.
Rain started to pour.
Every drops weighed as if it's a mourn.
I heard thunders and roars; Just like a screaming whores.
Do you know what was that for?
I also have seen groups of people protecting themselves  using umbrellas.
Unlike others, they are well- guarded of big men wearing tuxes.
They have seemed to hide social- secrets behind the fences.
I wandered.


I have seen pieces of bread.
Different colors and "I guess" different flavors.
There were blue, green, red. yellow and black.
I picked up the green one with a brand name ANIMO!
Next, I tasted the blue one labeled ONE BIG FIGHT!
and finally I was choked  by the red one named UNIBERSIDAD!
I have seen individuals craving for the green and blue breads.
They throwed red breads as a sign of somewhat like Protest!
They even said "Ibaba!" and "Makibaka!" and again I don't know them.
I walked and observed the whole vicinity.
It was covered by sort of obscenity.
Young girls walking shirtless, young boy sleeping shortless.
I wandered.




{to be continued}...

I don't know..

This will really be very simple.

Since my last break up slash heartache, I can now breathe and express myself in a manner that I know I will be better comprehend. I am wilder, a more skilled Marcus and a more responsible one. Have explored the world to which I couldn't believe I belonged and embraced. I am wiser now. I know now how to play the game and follow its rules. I am a less vulnerable creation. Heartache and failure molded me to be someone like this. It taught me things I have learned even before.

Now, someone is inspiring me. F*ck! here I am again.

Be careful!

Just a glimpse, my life changed...

I know I had shortcomings this past days. I had been too irresponsible in both personal and career lives. I became self centered, selfish, greedy- with my emotions- and in love. Yes! Marcus is indeed in love. After a not so long time, here I go again exploring the world of love. I know I have been through all of this but as a part of my humanism I have to feel it again- I know!

I am in love with someone I thought I wouldn't be in love. It was really funny how our separated paths crossed. It is true that love moves in mysterious ways. I just like this- I mean being in love. I am willing to take all it's consequences for I love this person. I tried not to admit it but it bursts with joy and happiness.

I know it's too early to see you in this view but i am hoping that this- I mean OUR- love will grow. For now, I am enjoying and savoring our camaraderie, our love for each other and each moment I am with you. You might not be aware of this but just in case you are interested, your hugs are my shelter and your kisses are my protection. I can't find an impeccable word to describe this but you are really so irresistible. If this is just a dream, then I won't wake up. Every time I close my eyes, it's you that I see. Every time I am seeing myself in the mirror, it's your reflection that I am visualizing. Reminding me of the times I am in your cradle. It's funny how you are driving me crazy. I even sneaked out of our house at 3AM just to be with you, just to feel your heartbeat next to mine, just to sniff your scent, just to taste your lips and not just to love you but to be loved as well. You made me realize that I am important, that I also deserve to be loved and most specially that I can love. Every time my cellphone rings, it's your name that I am expecting to see. Every time I sleep, it's you that I want to dream of.

I am madly, deeply and crazily in love with you. I am yours..