That morning when I questioned my sexuality.

Composing my thoughts. Musing how to start this effing ideas I got on my mind. Definitely I so missed blogging. And here it goes...

Last Friday night, cousins and some friends of her together with yours truly partied at CQB in Marikina. It was just my first time going there and I must say that it is the cheaper version of D Zone fronting La Salle. I meant, I felt like it was more of a Mercatto-type place. Nevertheless, I got slightly drunk and did not mind the annoying booming sound of the bar. Oh! Didn't I say that the DJ was my high school classmate? He surely does not have good taste. The bar is located along the main road and party-goers are surely getting the pollution from the vehicles passing through. I was really trying my very best to observe to at least give them one compliment, but it was such an epic fail. I am sorry but all I am saying is that the bar has to improve. 

Fast forwarding this horrible experience, and seeing the 'kind-of-good' side of the night, I met up with some of my old friends. Saw some familiar faces and I felt like I was on my teenies. Cousin had to went home at 2 am and I opted to stay there, unbelievably I stayed there for some more hours. I was with cousin's friend and she invited some of her friends to seat with us. It was actually nice mingling with them but I decided to go home. When one girl showed up and messed my messed life. 

She is an old friend and we got to know more each other when we both ran for SK. I so much admire this girl despite the reputation she has in our place. I must say that you would not like her but I saw something different that made me somewhat blush. But time passed and we went separate ways. 

I saw her with someone I thought her date. I completely transformed into someone anew. Well,  I think I have felt the same feeling I had felt towards her some years ago. For the first time, I exchanged kisses with a girl. (DISCLAIMER: THE KISSES ARE ON CHEEKS NOT ON LIPS). It was around 5am when I decided to leave the bar and head home when suddenly she, the girl this post is meant for, shouted my name and called me. She wanted to go home with me. Well, me pretending to be a gentleman took her to my pad and bought her toothbrush as she requested. We slept together in my bed and I was hugging her. That was the first time I have done it in my entire life. Never did I hug my mom like that. 

For the record, nothing has happened. I mean, seriously nothing has happened. Was I too drunk or have I just respected her? I felt something and readied myself for a battle but I have lost all of them when I thought of the effect a 10-minute pleasure may impart us. I so much felt the urge, the erection was present but I have not done anything. I may be capable of doing it that time since I have been longing for it quite a while now but there was this one thing that forced me to not do it. RESPECT, not the gayness or what but I see every woman as fragile. But I must admit I enjoyed sleeping with her. 

After some hours, she woke me up and asked me if we can go home. As we walked, she held my hand and became too much sweet. I almost felt I am walking with a girlfriend. She has given me a different kind of blush no man has given me. When we parted ways, she kissed me and thanked me. I kissed back and told her to take care of herself. 

Why am I so much affected? Why am I composing this blog about what has happened? Why was I too excited when I received SMS from her? 

To be continued. ..

Where do I begin?

Writing this would have been more fun if I have music on the side. But since it is useless at this very moment, I had to endure the pain of doing it without a little something that keeps me motivated.

Last Friday Night....

My dear slash glam friend from my recent workplace and I went to Eastwood to meet up with our third sister. My friend and I have not seen our third sister for the longest time. She has spent much of her time and affection to her former boyfriend (Well, they just broke up!). To ignore the part where our third sister has to reign, we partied at Agave. We have started partying at around past seven in the evening. As expected, since the three glam and fab individuals have met, the night has turned out to be something different. 

My friend and I have ordered unlimited glass of Margarita, well apparently they call it bottomless Margarita, and our dear sister has opted to quaff Tanduay Ice. It was so wonderful up until late midnight. Not noticing the amount of Margarita I have gulped, things around me have started to revolve and look differently. Gotcha! I am officially under the influence of 10 big glasses of Margaritas. I puked and yes! I could no longer walk straight. 

My friend was so gentleman enough to drop me off few metres away from my place. I swear! Margarita did a good job in making moi really and terribly drunk. 

The day after....

I underwent a very bloody prophylaxis. It was the very first time I bled like hell. I did not love it as much as how I loved the very first time it was done to me. The result? I now have a shining shimmering splendid smile. LOL!

Love?

This will be somewhat sentimental as it is love, that did not make sense. Nevertheless, let me share it to you my blog.

As a living creature of God, I also long for someone that can love me albeit it is not the way how I wanted to be loved. This has always been a part of my prayers and has long wished for it. I know I can live even without  the presence of someone in my life. Just recently, this particular aspect that I wish for has been granted. Someone that I have just known and met has stood tall and showed off his manliness. This someone has given   me a different affection that I have only felt with my formers. 

I can say he is neither my type nor my preference as a partner, but he showed me something beyond his looks, words and whatever! Consistently sent me text messages, updated me about his whereabouts and even if he has had to take either his brekky, lunch or dinner, he has never forgotten to send me a text message. So, I felt like 'Is this really true?' 

You know, if you came from a not-so-good break up, it will be hard for you to open up your heart again to someone. I have learned that, and I always advise this to my friends, before you enter a relationship and love someone, make sure that you impeccably know how and why you are loving yourself. We must give value first to ourselves before appreciating the value of others. We must allow ourselves to grow first so that by the time we are ready to share ourselves with someone, we already know the basics of love and life. 

It took so many nights before I came up with a very heartbreaking decision. I did not know whether it was for good or what but all I knew that time was I am firm and I need not to be cessated. So, I ended everything. I know what I did was unfair but I just did not find any reason and advantage of being with someone at the wrong time. Since then, I have not replied to any of messages and deleted his number. If by any chance that this person will lurk on my page and read this, please accept my apologies. It was never my intention to hurt you but understand that I do not want to prolong something that I foresee will not grow as how you are perceiving it. I know you have so much loved me in a very short time we have had, but I know I do not deserve the love you have offered. Thank you so much!

Moving on...

I can not deny the fact that I have never been this happy. I feel complete despite all the imperfections of everyday. I grew so much and transformed myself into someone I never thought I would be. I appreciate little things that come across everyday. 

Sad but not so sad.

2011 has ended quite harsh. Well, I really would want to narrate it but it will only break me reminiscing the mishaps I am coping with. Sad? yes! but still moving on. I have learned that there is more to life than sadness and desolation. This life is giving me challenges that I merely survive. Challenges that give me courage to fight and walk with pride. Challenges that I have never imagined nor dreamt of. There are times that I am thinking of giving up and just walk away. But I know that doing so will only prove that quitters are losers.

I wish I can press rewind and turn back time where I still have my Mom and Dad. I know that I was raised well despite their absence. However, I know that I will be more than raised well if only I had them with me during trying times. Why do I always have to understand things? Why can't I be understood? Why do I always need to adjust? Why can't they adjust? I know that ranting this pathetic lines will only bring nothing but  tears. Oh! gosh! This entry is getting emotional- well what's new? 

Most say that I am smart. Most believe that I can cope with almost everything easily. Most know that I am a fighter. Most see me as a funny guy. I wish I can be that person that they are expecting to be. Not most know, I also shed tears whenever lonesome deteriorates me. I also know how to get hurt. 

So now, I am playing three roles. A Mother, a Father and a Brother. I have to embody these three personas to be able to survive. It is not easy, believe me. I am sending my brother to school, provide him everything he needs, give him a righteous life and provide him the love he never experienced from the other personas I am portraying. I do the laundry, iron our clothes, prepare our foods, work for our needs and all that. I know I also have to live my own life. I manage work wisely, I mingle with my friends, I sometimes go out and I blog. In spite of that, I still feel incomplete. Hence, this is the reason why I sometimes feel lonely. But I know I can live without it. Diversion of attention is the key. It should not distract and hinder me from reaching my goals. 

This is an another predicament entry. 

May this year be my year! I am very positive that I will be complete in time. 

Happy New Year Everyone!

BIR Experiences. What should I expect?

This is one of my most-hate part of landing / getting a new job- completing pre-employment requirements. I hate the medical examination, I hate the NBI application, I hate almost everything. So to cut the story short- which was ruined by hassling getting-this and getting-that- I have gone to BIR RDO 43-A (LOL!)

I was there at around 4:00PM. There were three allocated desks which service general inquiries like mine- getting TIN Card. The Security Guard handed me number 48. Since it was just my first time going on that kinda place- which smells like a publishing house- I asked Manong Guard 'Kuya what is this for po?' and he answered "Ay para po yan sa number ninyo. Tingin lang po kayo dun sa may number na red and you will know if it's your turn." and I was like "Okay. Thanks." So I filled out a form and headed to the waiting lounge- luckily they have.

On the waiting lounge, I saw pile of people waiting for their number to be prompted on the monitor positioned on top of the three desks which I have mentioned earlier. I was holding number 48 whereas the number prompted at that time was just number two. I would have to wait for 46 more peeps to finish before my turn. So I glanced and looked around. At first sight, you will notice a heaps of paper scattered everywhere. There are so many things which will make you uncomfortable with that place. The smell is so loathsome. Yes it has AC but with that volume of people, it does nothing.

So came 4:58PM, and two more minutes they were about to close the operation, the number prompting has stopped. It has prompted number 47 for almost 10 minutes. I was in a big disappointment at that time and I could no longer hold it back. In my mind, I had almost cursed the three clerks who did nothing but put stamps on papers. I felt so disconcerted that I knew I had to do something. I did not go there just to be advised to go back on Monday- since it was Friday when I went there. So I gazed the whole vicinity and something was not right. This girl, who kept on going back for whatever her reasons was, caught my attention. She kept on going back to the second clerk. So, with so much animosity and frustration, I stood up. Below is how our conversation fired up the people who witnessed how mad I was. (DISCLAIMER: I am neither happy nor proud about it. It was just a normal reaction coming from someone who feels discombobulated.)

Me: Ma'am excuse me, may I know what number you are holding?
Her: (Searching for a piece of paper inside her cheap bag) 57!
Me: Oh! Okay! So you must know that the number was stuck-up to 47 because of you and I am expected to be seated on the chair you are seating right now. I was provided with number 48 by the guards and was in this place for almost an hour now.
Her: Ooops! I am sorry. I just need to finish this one. (Showing me a rim of form from BIR)
Me: So are you implying that I need to wait and the rest of us here for you to finish before we can be serviced?
Her: No. (Giving me a fierce look)
Me: So do you think I will allow you to be on that seat considering that I have been here waiting for almost an hour now?
Her: No! (Shouting)
Me: With all due respect Ma'am, will you please get out of that chair and wait for your number be prompted on that monitor on top of your head?
Her: You are rude!
Me: Good thing your brain was able to generate an adjective that best describes how I treated someone as dumb as you that even numbers 1-48 does not know.

And she walked away with so much frustration and side comments. And for whoever who is going to read this, we conversed (or should I say "argued") using the English language. Those are the exact words that came out of my lips as far as my audiographic memory can remember. I am so pissed.

Fast-forwarding what happened next and disregarding how the guards consoled me, I sat on the chair where the biatch was sitting. I informed the clerk that I am going to get my TIN Card. So I handed him filled out form.

Clerk: Nagalit kayo dun Sir ah.
Me: Kasi naman simpleng number rules lang hindi pa niya masunod. Anyway, I don't want to talk about it na po. (Handing him my filled out form)
Clerk: Pasensya na Sir ah.
Me: That's fine. It's not even your mistake.
Clerk: Kayo ba ito Sir? (Checking if I had filled out the form correctly) Ah, binata pa pala kayo. Ingat kayo Sir. Mga ganyang hitsura ang habulin.
Me: (Giving him this dumbfounded look) Huh?

And he just smiled.

My Grown up Christmas List.

So there goes sadness again. It won over happiness. It is driving me to contemplate for another entry on my blog site. As I rummaged for thoughts to blog, I opened You Tube and searched for a back ground song to play while writing. Out of nowhere, a Christmas song has started to play. It made me reminisce all the past Christmases I had.

I asked myself what do I miss whenever the holiday season comes. I started reminiscing and none of them are worth remembering. It was either I am in the office working or at home alone. Suddenly an idea has popped up  out of my mind.



____________________________________________________________________




I was, I guess, 4 to 6 years old that time. Christmas was the happiest time of the year for me. Presents, candy canes, gift wrappers, glittered ribbons, tall Christmas trees, entertaining Christmas lights in different colors and styles were everywhere. Streets were filled with different designs of "Parols". Cousins have visited me to exchange gifts. My heart was full of happiness.

It was the 24th of December. Mom prepared foods that are bizarre to my sight. Foods that could only be seen during my birthdays and whenever we attend parties of my playmates. Mom decorated the house. She had rummaged the curtains she only displays once a year. The house was full of excitement and colors which reminded me that it was not just an ordinary day. Mom played a Christmas song. She held me and we danced   like crazy. I saw Mom's heart-pounding joy. I whispered "I wish everyday is a Christmas day"

Pop came home late, I inferred he was drunk. I saw the redness in his face and he was somewhat like mad. Mom greeted him. Pop ignored. I thought there was a problem. Minutes after, I saw Pop screaming. He shouted and gone wild. I saw Mom sobbing. She covered her face so that I would not witness how she cried. Pop continued to shout. He even slapped Mom. At a very young age, I could not comprehend how an impeccable day turned out to be somewhat gruesome. Mom said nothing. She continued to cry while Pop was ranting. I could not do anything but to watch them fighting from afar. I felt so helpless. I felt so despondent. There was a short pause. I heard nothing but the Christmas song being played. Suddenly, a pause was broken by the sound of a falling plates and silver wares. I saw the prepared and cooked foods of Mom scattered on the floor. The place was topsy-turvy. Pop, for the nth time, slapped Mom. She had lost her balance and fell down. I could see Mom crawling and begging Pop to stop. I witnessed her stopped moving. I asked myself "Has she lost her consciousness?"

I saw the bloods scattered everywhere. I witnessed the pain and sufferings. That night was just so horrifying. Tears have fallen down on my eyes. I could not move. I could not think. I could not breathe.

I was awaken by the annoying siren of the ambulance. "What is happening?" I asked someone. Police, bystanders, neighbors, and some relatives were there telling me to just rest. I saw guys in uniform holding something. It was a bed-like thing covered with a white cloth. One by one, they load them inside the ambulance. I looked around. I searched for Mom and Pop. They were not there. I saw my little cousin approaching. She asked me "What did you do? Why did you do that?......." and she was pulled away by her Mom crying. I rested and I slept.

It was 9:30 in the morning when I woke up. I saw gifts and basket of fruits on the table on my left. I saw nothing but the Air Con, a TV set hanged on top of a small window, a big bed to which I was lying, bottled waters and a dextrose thrusted on my left hand. "I am in the hospital!" I confirmed to myself. I shouted Mom's name. No one answered but someone opened the door. It was my Aunt who entered the room. She was crying. I asked her "Why?" but she did not respond. Another man, which I suspected one of the uniformed guys from last night, has entered the room. He said "Merry Christmas!" and smiled.

He asked me if I have had good sleep. I quickly answered "Yes!" and stared at my Aunt. The uniformed guy continued to ask me. He wanted me to remember and narrate what happened last night. I asked where Mom and Pop is. Aunt started to cry and left the room. The guy answered "They are already dead." I did not believe but I cried until I ran out of tears. I asked the uniformed guy "Who killed them?". I was shocked when he answered "You!". "You killed your Father and Mother using this gun" , he added. He was holding a ziploc-like plastic container and inside it was a gun. He started to interrogate me until I began remembering what happened the night before.

"Stop it!" I shouted Pop. "Don't dare get out of your room or you will be in trouble!", he exclaimed. I headed towards Mom  and held her hand. Pop kicked me. He pushed me to their room and locked the door. I was so desperate. I knew I had to help Mom. I was aware how painful she feels that time and that she needs me. I looked for something. I saw Pop's gun inside his mini pedestal. I put it inside my pocket and tried to unlock the door. I got out of the room. I shouted "Pop, stop it! I repeat!" He answered "I said do not go out! You little bastard! I will punish you!" Dad then walked heading on my direction. He was holding a baseball bat. He saw me holding his gun. He begged me to put it down. I remained firm. I cried and accidentally hit the trigger. Dad fell down. A moment of silence was finally observed. The only thing I heard was the song being played. "Chestnuts roasting on an open fire....." 

16 Christmases have passed by. 16 years of tears have gone dry. It was just like yesterday. I can still hear the painful roars of yesteryears.  The perfect yet sorrowful picture of crime is still in my dreams. I can still smell the blood like a breeze. The painful past will never disappear. How many more December 25 should pass? How many more questions to ask? How many more tears should shed? I feel like a corpse. I feel like dead.

20 years of living is like 20 years of suffering. Now, Christmas is about to come. I feel the breeze, I feel the coldness, I feel the sadness, I feel the emptiness. I do not wish for toys, presents, money or anything that money can give and buy. All I wish for is the same Family I used to have and enjoy 16 years ago. This is my grown up Christmas list.

The happiness that makes me sad..

Emoness.. Yeah! It struck me again.

The past week was one of the crucial week that I had on my entire living in this world. Well, almost every week is crucial but this one is different. I mean really different. I have experienced lots of agony. I have accepted the fact long time ago that things in this world cannot be perfect no matter how hard we try to make it impeccable. I also have accepted the "mere" fact that we, humans, will not be contented despite of the things and happiness that we have. It is only and will only be my friend "Mahatma Gandhi" who possesses that kind of attitude. Going back to my emoness, the last week tested my humanity and the friendships that I gained and earned for almost 19 years of my life. I've been absent for five days last week from March 14- March 19 due to my emoness and not sickness.

Exploring and uncovering the brighter side of each dark side.

I was sitting on a place where different types of people meet and gather. It was a very dreary night. Not the typical night that I know of, not the typical night that we all know of. Just like time, people passed by so fast. They headed to different directions of their emotions. It is a place for fun that suddenly turned into something strange making my emotions weak. Tears fell down and yes! my faith have broken down too. I've seen nothing but just the falling leaves from the nearby tree. People stared at me. They must have noticed me crying. They must have witnessed part of my weakness. It was so theatrical. It was so dramatic. I, indeed, looked so pathetic. With the emptiness in my head, I walked. Nothing's inside my head. Not even my pets, not even my thoughts for blogging, not even my wild sex scenes, not even my love fantasy and most especially, not even myself. I was walking like a corpse. I've felt nothing and heard nothing but just the hum I kept singing in my mind. I felt so meaningless. As night goes by, my mind flies. It was as sadden as the catastrophe that rocks Japan. The only question in my mind that time was "HOW WILL I COPE? HOW WILL I RECOVER?". I realized that even if I think of it a billion times, that even if the moon will come down and tell me "Sleep now my dear.." ,answer is not yet ready to be prevailed so I wander instead. Not so long time ago, I've been like this- I've been into this. I have never learned. I'm such a fool. I admit, I have to be reprimanded. I know for a fact that it is not the end, it will not be the end and it is infinite. Just like what they say, HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, and it keeps on repeating for no particular reason. I have endured suffering for my own mistakes, have been punished for the faults I made, have been reprimanded for not having faith, have been scolded for not listening to what they say. How can a human say he or she is complete? How can an individual prove that he or she is worth it? How can we know what we worth? If living is as hard as struggling to the waves of the ocean and as harsh as the roaring thunder then leaving will be as easy as 1-2-3. It will be as easy as A-B-C. Now, I am looking for someone who can stand tall and have stood tall for something they believe in. Regardless if it's right or not as long as he or she believes, I salute you. I wanna be like you. I wanna stand for something I believe even if it's unbelievable. I am a prisoner of my own thoughts, I am jailed with my thoughts and my own thoughts are killing me. I wanna be free.
How can someone be free as how they wanted to be?

Baguio getaway....

I just love Baguio (BA_GI_YO -just like how my foreigner friend pronounced it) With this so much love in my heart, I was thinking of moving there for good and living my life to the fullest without being forced and living the real life a real human should feel and experience...Me and my officemates stayed there for 3 days and 2 nights and I, personally, concluded that those days and nights are not enough to experience what Baguio offers us (as a tourist).  I enjoyed the food, experience and the fun I had for that short period of time. 'Zipline' was good and to be honest, it was just my first time riding on that flying thing that made my heart and my body feel so numb. I really really enjoyed it.. If there is a place that I would like to settle down - so far- it's going to be, Baguio.

Anyway, so much for appreciation and all that thing. How's life Marcus? How's the air you breathe and the people that sorround you? How's work? How's bloglife? Well, it made me jump- literally, when I found out that from 2 followers I now have 5..haha..good job! 

(sudden pause...coz I can't think of a word to say) 

There you go..I am happy now..I mean happier..I am being paid well by my job and I feel like every single night that I am awake is equally paid off. I just love my life now..Can't wait to see Baguio again..Till next time dear Blog..Byee..:0