Sunday, March 20, 2011

The happiness that makes me sad..

Emoness.. Yeah! It struck me again.

The past week was one of the crucial week that I had on my entire living in this world. Well, almost every week is crucial but this one is different. I mean really different. I have experienced lots of agony. I have accepted the fact long time ago that things in this world cannot be perfect no matter how hard we try to make it impeccable. I also have accepted the "mere" fact that we, humans, will not be contented despite of the things and happiness that we have. It is only and will only be my friend "Mahatma Gandhi" who possesses that kind of attitude. Going back to my emoness, the last week tested my humanity and the friendships that I gained and earned for almost 19 years of my life. I've been absent for five days last week from March 14- March 19 due to my emoness and not sickness.

Exploring and uncovering the brighter side of each dark side.

I was sitting on a place where different types of people meet and gather. It was a very dreary night. Not the typical night that I know of, not the typical night that we all know of. Just like time, people passed by so fast. They headed to different directions of their emotions. It is a place for fun that suddenly turned into something strange making my emotions weak. Tears fell down and yes! my faith have broken down too. I've seen nothing but just the falling leaves from the nearby tree. People stared at me. They must have noticed me crying. They must have witnessed part of my weakness. It was so theatrical. It was so dramatic. I, indeed, looked so pathetic. With the emptiness in my head, I walked. Nothing's inside my head. Not even my pets, not even my thoughts for blogging, not even my wild sex scenes, not even my love fantasy and most especially, not even myself. I was walking like a corpse. I've felt nothing and heard nothing but just the hum I kept singing in my mind. I felt so meaningless. As night goes by, my mind flies. It was as sadden as the catastrophe that rocks Japan. The only question in my mind that time was "HOW WILL I COPE? HOW WILL I RECOVER?". I realized that even if I think of it a billion times, that even if the moon will come down and tell me "Sleep now my dear.." ,answer is not yet ready to be prevailed so I wander instead. Not so long time ago, I've been like this- I've been into this. I have never learned. I'm such a fool. I admit, I have to be reprimanded. I know for a fact that it is not the end, it will not be the end and it is infinite. Just like what they say, HISTORY REPEATS ITSELF, and it keeps on repeating for no particular reason. I have endured suffering for my own mistakes, have been punished for the faults I made, have been reprimanded for not having faith, have been scolded for not listening to what they say. How can a human say he or she is complete? How can an individual prove that he or she is worth it? How can we know what we worth? If living is as hard as struggling to the waves of the ocean and as harsh as the roaring thunder then leaving will be as easy as 1-2-3. It will be as easy as A-B-C. Now, I am looking for someone who can stand tall and have stood tall for something they believe in. Regardless if it's right or not as long as he or she believes, I salute you. I wanna be like you. I wanna stand for something I believe even if it's unbelievable. I am a prisoner of my own thoughts, I am jailed with my thoughts and my own thoughts are killing me. I wanna be free.
How can someone be free as how they wanted to be?