Tuesday, December 11, 2012

'.. no, I am not in search of someone..'

And this is the classic line I always tell my  trainess, applicants, colleagues, friends and loved ones. And yes! I am lying because underneath this overused phrase is a heart that screams due to longingness for someone. How long have I been using this phrase? Million years ago.

Since the last heartbreak that still torments me even up until this very moment, I can not imagine myself being with someone else. I can not even see myself holding someone's arms and lie every night like what we used to do. Have I been hurt too hard that even up until now I still can't move on? These are the random thoughts I have whenever I lurk on his facebook account:

- Are you truly happy now that you're free?
- How's your life after whosover you meet up and have casual sex with?
- Does that someone prepare your breakfast?
- Do you feel the same feeling you used to feel when you were kissing me?
- Was there even a time that you also missed me and cared to text or call me?
- Am I still welcome if one day I'll show up in our what we used to call 'Home'?
- Did you even dream of me? Even for once?
- Did you even consider what will I feel when we were making love and you silently uttered someone's name? Do you even remember that? Did you even see me weeping?
-  Do you even remember when you let me wait in the midst of the night and I will just receive a text 'I can't make it'?
- Do you still remember when you told me I'll be the one you'll forever love and the plans we've made?
- Do you still remember the big stuffed toy you gave me as your birthday present? Oh yes! I still have him.

A lot of 'Do yous', 'What ifs', 'How is' and 'Why'. The cause is just goodbye.

I thought I have already gotten over it. I thought I have already breakfree. I thought this has already ended. All my thoughts are wrong. Up until when will I be a prisoner of our yesterday? How long do I have to suffer? Ain't three years enough for these realisations?


Thursday, December 6, 2012

Round 2

Once is enough.
Twice is too much.
Thrice is stupidity.

It is neither the second nor the third time this has occured. People come and go. Sadly, life has to move on albeit everyone has turned their backs on you. Why can't life be so easy and subtle? Why can't we live in a world where the word 'Questions' is nothing but something that has to glide by? Why can't this blog stop from questioning and inquiring moment after moment? Why do we have downtimes? Why and nothing but why.

And it has to happen again. Why have I not learned? Why can't it stop from recurring? Why can't I have a Christmas with my loved ones? Why can't I end the year and welcome another one with my someones? Why do I always have to be lonesome? Why and nothing but why.

I am no one but no one. I breathe. I wake up. I eat. I love. I sleep. I laugh. I pray. I am trying. Why do I have to live a life like this? This life is making me lose my patience. This life is what I live.

Come on love and mesmerize me. Fill me with your enchanting power. Shower me with your sparkling light that makes the world go round. Spare me your superflouous love that others take for granted. Why can't you knock me off my feet like what you did three some months ago? Why can't you astound me with this idyllic 'knight-and-shining-armor' fantasy every little girl has. Why and nothing but why.

As I watch myself in the mirror, as I open my eyes every after sleeping, as I feel hurt every after heartbreak, as I love every minute of the day, as I type every single letter on this keyboard, as I sway to the orgasmic rhythm, tears always fall down.

I am always derange. Life is never perfect, even at it's simplest form. Why can't we all just follow the norm? When will I stop from questioning 'Why?'.

And I believe everything has to end. And I believe everything should end.


Sunday, November 11, 2012

Falling away..

The irony of the song I'm tuned into right at this moment, whilst my fingers run through this keyboard. The song says 'I am falling away, I'm flying with you to the sound of love'. This is so far from reality. But no, I am not complaining nor blaming someone for this. I'm just happy I am falling away, with a lot of things that keep me busy these days.

I am alone here in our office right now. I already run through a lot of websites and some of them are indeed prohibited. Oh well, this blog is seriously edit-free and whatever comes out of my mind sways with my fingers. I am so out of control and this effing sound in my earphones are taking me away. I feel like dancing. I feel like screaming. I feel like moaning. I feel like whatever. I wanna have sex, oh well, I have been virgin for so many months now. These beats are deeply hitting my sensitive spots. What the eff is happening with me? Trance musics are driving me insane.

I can't help but dance to the beat of this effing song. My 'weirdoness' is so overflowing right now.

It's just, I think, the best way to bid goodbye to weekend and four more hours, hello FUCKING MONDAY!

Sunday, May 13, 2012

Living posi+ively

So I was lurking on a tumbler account of a friend over Twitter. I do not know him personally. Neither do I know his name nor his face. All I know is he is positive and, despite, he lives positively. Yes, he conquers each and every single day of his life battling with AIDS.

AIDS, what do I know about this?

It's fatal. It appears no symptoms but attacks you until the very last breath of your life. It could be acquired in as fast as 2 minutes. And so many other information that google has fed me about this disease. 

He frequently tweets about ARVS, Lamivudine, Avolam etc.. Heck would I care about such terminologies. Never did I encounter those meds in my whole life as I only know Carbocisteine, Cough Syrup and Neozep. But why on the earth am I so much interested with this extraordinaire guy's life? 

Have you guys ever read the book 'Orosa-Nakpil'?. It is a book written by someone dealing with the life of an HIV Positive and the people surrounding him. Upon reading the last parts of that book, I could not help but to cry. Tears continuously fell down as if it happened to me in real life. I was in the arms of someone when I began reading that book. I asked him 'What if one day we'll find out I am positive. Would you remain the same or you'll turn your back on me like you never knew me at all? ' and he honestly answered 'Say you have acquired it from someone, I would remain the same but you should not expect that we could still do things we used to enjoy. Of course, restrictions will be there but know that it is for our own betterment'

What if one day you wake up and find out that you are a carrier? How would you deal with it? How would you cope with a disease that even up until the very present time no antidote has been invented? How would you tell your parents that you have gotten it because you played unsafely? How would you face everyday knowing that sunrise is always a question? How would you face the mirror with all the scars the disease has imparted you? and lastly, how can you go back to the normal life you used to have? 

Here goes backtracking and asking myself, what if? 

To be very honest, I am afraid. How would I answer the questions above? What will be my initial reaction? How will my family accept it? How will I tell them? Would I survive? Would I last? 

This guy has been fighting for almost all of his life. His tumbler account may not be the exact representation of all the hurts he torments from, but it shouts out loud that it touches few hearts who happened to read his blog. I may not feel how the ARV touches my throat, may not feel how painful is hurt, may not experience what he experienced but I know it's something that opened my eyes to reality. Reality that is not only written in books, in blogs or in twitter, but is in someone's circulation and could also be in our circulation, in my circulation. 

I may not have the courage to answer all my questions above but I do hope that if one day, I'll show up with a red ribbon on my shirt, people will see me as the same Marcus who cheerfully greets every morning despite its imperfection.  

For you unknown friend, I wish you nothing but wisdom to face each day with courage. May all the love in the world be with you always. Keep holding on! 


Saturday, April 14, 2012

That morning when I questioned my sexuality.

Composing my thoughts. Musing how to start this effing ideas I got on my mind. Definitely I so missed blogging. And here it goes...

Last Friday night, cousins and some friends of her together with yours truly partied at CQB in Marikina. It was just my first time going there and I must say that it is the cheaper version of D Zone fronting La Salle. I meant, I felt like it was more of a Mercatto-type place. Nevertheless, I got slightly drunk and did not mind the annoying booming sound of the bar. Oh! Didn't I say that the DJ was my high school classmate? He surely does not have good taste. The bar is located along the main road and party-goers are surely getting the pollution from the vehicles passing through. I was really trying my very best to observe to at least give them one compliment, but it was such an epic fail. I am sorry but all I am saying is that the bar has to improve. 

Fast forwarding this horrible experience, and seeing the 'kind-of-good' side of the night, I met up with some of my old friends. Saw some familiar faces and I felt like I was on my teenies. Cousin had to went home at 2 am and I opted to stay there, unbelievably I stayed there for some more hours. I was with cousin's friend and she invited some of her friends to seat with us. It was actually nice mingling with them but I decided to go home. When one girl showed up and messed my messed life. 

She is an old friend and we got to know more each other when we both ran for SK. I so much admire this girl despite the reputation she has in our place. I must say that you would not like her but I saw something different that made me somewhat blush. But time passed and we went separate ways. 

I saw her with someone I thought her date. I completely transformed into someone anew. Well,  I think I have felt the same feeling I had felt towards her some years ago. For the first time, I exchanged kisses with a girl. (DISCLAIMER: THE KISSES ARE ON CHEEKS NOT ON LIPS). It was around 5am when I decided to leave the bar and head home when suddenly she, the girl this post is meant for, shouted my name and called me. She wanted to go home with me. Well, me pretending to be a gentleman took her to my pad and bought her toothbrush as she requested. We slept together in my bed and I was hugging her. That was the first time I have done it in my entire life. Never did I hug my mom like that. 

For the record, nothing has happened. I mean, seriously nothing has happened. Was I too drunk or have I just respected her? I felt something and readied myself for a battle but I have lost all of them when I thought of the effect a 10-minute pleasure may impart us. I so much felt the urge, the erection was present but I have not done anything. I may be capable of doing it that time since I have been longing for it quite a while now but there was this one thing that forced me to not do it. RESPECT, not the gayness or what but I see every woman as fragile. But I must admit I enjoyed sleeping with her. 

After some hours, she woke me up and asked me if we can go home. As we walked, she held my hand and became too much sweet. I almost felt I am walking with a girlfriend. She has given me a different kind of blush no man has given me. When we parted ways, she kissed me and thanked me. I kissed back and told her to take care of herself. 

Why am I so much affected? Why am I composing this blog about what has happened? Why was I too excited when I received SMS from her? 

To be continued. ..

Sunday, March 18, 2012

Where do I begin?

Writing this would have been more fun if I have music on the side. But since it is useless at this very moment, I had to endure the pain of doing it without a little something that keeps me motivated.

Last Friday Night....

My dear slash glam friend from my recent workplace and I went to Eastwood to meet up with our third sister. My friend and I have not seen our third sister for the longest time. She has spent much of her time and affection to her former boyfriend (Well, they just broke up!). To ignore the part where our third sister has to reign, we partied at Agave. We have started partying at around past seven in the evening. As expected, since the three glam and fab individuals have met, the night has turned out to be something different. 

My friend and I have ordered unlimited glass of Margarita, well apparently they call it bottomless Margarita, and our dear sister has opted to quaff Tanduay Ice. It was so wonderful up until late midnight. Not noticing the amount of Margarita I have gulped, things around me have started to revolve and look differently. Gotcha! I am officially under the influence of 10 big glasses of Margaritas. I puked and yes! I could no longer walk straight. 

My friend was so gentleman enough to drop me off few metres away from my place. I swear! Margarita did a good job in making moi really and terribly drunk. 

The day after....

I underwent a very bloody prophylaxis. It was the very first time I bled like hell. I did not love it as much as how I loved the very first time it was done to me. The result? I now have a shining shimmering splendid smile. LOL!


This will be somewhat sentimental as it is love, that did not make sense. Nevertheless, let me share it to you my blog.

As a living creature of God, I also long for someone that can love me albeit it is not the way how I wanted to be loved. This has always been a part of my prayers and has long wished for it. I know I can live even without  the presence of someone in my life. Just recently, this particular aspect that I wish for has been granted. Someone that I have just known and met has stood tall and showed off his manliness. This someone has given   me a different affection that I have only felt with my formers. 

I can say he is neither my type nor my preference as a partner, but he showed me something beyond his looks, words and whatever! Consistently sent me text messages, updated me about his whereabouts and even if he has had to take either his brekky, lunch or dinner, he has never forgotten to send me a text message. So, I felt like 'Is this really true?' 

You know, if you came from a not-so-good break up, it will be hard for you to open up your heart again to someone. I have learned that, and I always advise this to my friends, before you enter a relationship and love someone, make sure that you impeccably know how and why you are loving yourself. We must give value first to ourselves before appreciating the value of others. We must allow ourselves to grow first so that by the time we are ready to share ourselves with someone, we already know the basics of love and life. 

It took so many nights before I came up with a very heartbreaking decision. I did not know whether it was for good or what but all I knew that time was I am firm and I need not to be cessated. So, I ended everything. I know what I did was unfair but I just did not find any reason and advantage of being with someone at the wrong time. Since then, I have not replied to any of messages and deleted his number. If by any chance that this person will lurk on my page and read this, please accept my apologies. It was never my intention to hurt you but understand that I do not want to prolong something that I foresee will not grow as how you are perceiving it. I know you have so much loved me in a very short time we have had, but I know I do not deserve the love you have offered. Thank you so much!

Moving on...

I can not deny the fact that I have never been this happy. I feel complete despite all the imperfections of everyday. I grew so much and transformed myself into someone I never thought I would be. I appreciate little things that come across everyday. 

Saturday, January 7, 2012

Sad but not so sad.

2011 has ended quite harsh. Well, I really would want to narrate it but it will only break me reminiscing the mishaps I am coping with. Sad? yes! but still moving on. I have learned that there is more to life than sadness and desolation. This life is giving me challenges that I merely survive. Challenges that give me courage to fight and walk with pride. Challenges that I have never imagined nor dreamt of. There are times that I am thinking of giving up and just walk away. But I know that doing so will only prove that quitters are losers.

I wish I can press rewind and turn back time where I still have my Mom and Dad. I know that I was raised well despite their absence. However, I know that I will be more than raised well if only I had them with me during trying times. Why do I always have to understand things? Why can't I be understood? Why do I always need to adjust? Why can't they adjust? I know that ranting this pathetic lines will only bring nothing but  tears. Oh! gosh! This entry is getting emotional- well what's new? 

Most say that I am smart. Most believe that I can cope with almost everything easily. Most know that I am a fighter. Most see me as a funny guy. I wish I can be that person that they are expecting to be. Not most know, I also shed tears whenever lonesome deteriorates me. I also know how to get hurt. 

So now, I am playing three roles. A Mother, a Father and a Brother. I have to embody these three personas to be able to survive. It is not easy, believe me. I am sending my brother to school, provide him everything he needs, give him a righteous life and provide him the love he never experienced from the other personas I am portraying. I do the laundry, iron our clothes, prepare our foods, work for our needs and all that. I know I also have to live my own life. I manage work wisely, I mingle with my friends, I sometimes go out and I blog. In spite of that, I still feel incomplete. Hence, this is the reason why I sometimes feel lonely. But I know I can live without it. Diversion of attention is the key. It should not distract and hinder me from reaching my goals. 

This is an another predicament entry. 

May this year be my year! I am very positive that I will be complete in time. 

Happy New Year Everyone!