Sunday, November 7, 2010

Back from a long hiatus...

The last time that I have visited this blogspot was a month ago. I have been too busy in my personal life, career and "sort of" love lives- but I don't want to talk about love lives. I have concluded that they will just add shit* in my fucking life. Well, as regards with my career, I am now with Sykes. Compensations are great and am now in the 2nd week of training for an American TelCo account. With regard to my personal life, I am still alive and kicking- as usual. I am still trying to cope up with things I never thought I will encounter.

Okay! I am lost...I can't write anything. I can't think of anything. I am not motivated. All I'm hearing now is the voice of my cousin narrating his feelings about his nanny. His nanny's laundry wash. He doesn't like it obviously. Now he is talking about the bottomless iced tea he and his colleagues used to enjoy whenever they are thirsty and free. Anyway, the past month of my life was considerably one of the most exciting and tiring month of my life. I enjoyed that because I was with my "kapatid" yang.

Anyway, I blogged because I am about to publish the part one of my own story/  creation. I have done this during our training at Sykes. Since our trainer was busy discussing something. I have taken advantage of that time to do this. Here it goes...

The day of our greatest bereavement.
Part 1.
Original composition of Marcus.

It was dark, boisterous, cold and frightening.
The only light that you can see is the light coming from a candle that shines for almost fourth part of the room.
There were screams, shouts and cries that covered the whole place.
You will hear nothing but just those sounds.
It was horrible.
Everyone seemed to die as every minute passes by.
Sounds started to rise as if it intends to break our ears.

It's still dark.
Darkness covered our eyes and our hopes.
Scattered pieces of peace and leaves were on the floor.
The candle from afar has started to lose it's light.
It's lux has gone, our light has gone.
Cold wind is what were breathing in and out.
Freight reigned all over the place; Monsters eating our faith.
A sudden silence was observed.
In a flash of light, sound deserts.
A sudden silence turned into hours and years.
No one attempted to speak nor breathe.
Some died with words unspoken.
Some left with grief unexpressed.
I remained silent.
Almost everybody remained silent.
I remained standing while everyone was sitting.
I remained hoping when everyone was floating.

Years and years have passed by.
Tears and tears have gone dry.
From millions to thousands and now zeroes, no one stood up for it's people.
I cried, I sighed and I hide.
The feelings just let them go by.
I kneeled, I bleed and I tried.
But no one remained alive to fight back.
Again, my heart remained calm.
Hoping that there will be no harm.
I again gazed the whole nation.
Crowd was full of depression.
I can't remember the fear it brought me seeing my peers are dreary.
Oblivion starts to fall down.
They have forgotten the ways they should have taken.
They have missed the trains they should have boarded.
Fears and tears collided; Sweats and breathes were controlled.

I wandered.
I explored the whole area.
I have gone out of the room.
I have seen bloody soldiers holding their guns.
They shouted "Kalayaan!" -that sounds so unfamiliar.
I touched their heads and they started to die.
I have seen traces of punishments, drought, sufferings and maltreatments.
Their bloody bodies covered the entire place.
I have seen red, white and blue cloths and covered it to their bodies.
They cried and summoned for help.
Another man shouted "Kalayaan!" I asked him "What is that?"
He was shocked!- as if he had seen a monster that will suddenly eat him.
I ignored; I walked again.
From the distance, I see pile of people for decapitation.
I headed to that place.
I was shocked! I have cried and I screamed.
Poor people are next to the list.
I tried to shout in as loud as I can but it seems like no one cares.
They continued to decapitate vigilant.
They seemed to be so arrogant.
They laughed and laughed while watching blood drops.
I heard someone saying "Maawa!" of which I am not familiar of.
I asked one of the soldiers "What is maawa?".
He told me "This is what you want!"

I was like day- dreaming.
It's more than sleep- walking.
It's more of trouble- sleeping.
I observed the surrounding.
I asked myself what was happening.
Rain started to pour.
Every drops weighed as if it's a mourn.
I heard thunders and roars; Just like a screaming whores.
Do you know what was that for?
I also have seen groups of people protecting themselves  using umbrellas.
Unlike others, they are well- guarded of big men wearing tuxes.
They have seemed to hide social- secrets behind the fences.
I wandered.

I have seen pieces of bread.
Different colors and "I guess" different flavors.
There were blue, green, red. yellow and black.
I picked up the green one with a brand name ANIMO!
Next, I tasted the blue one labeled ONE BIG FIGHT!
and finally I was choked  by the red one named UNIBERSIDAD!
I have seen individuals craving for the green and blue breads.
They throwed red breads as a sign of somewhat like Protest!
They even said "Ibaba!" and "Makibaka!" and again I don't know them.
I walked and observed the whole vicinity.
It was covered by sort of obscenity.
Young girls walking shirtless, young boy sleeping shortless.
I wandered.

{to be continued}...

Sunday, October 3, 2010

I don't know..

This will really be very simple.

Since my last break up slash heartache, I can now breathe and express myself in a manner that I know I will be better comprehend. I am wilder, a more skilled Marcus and a more responsible one. Have explored the world to which I couldn't believe I belonged and embraced. I am wiser now. I know now how to play the game and follow its rules. I am a less vulnerable creation. Heartache and failure molded me to be someone like this. It taught me things I have learned even before.

Now, someone is inspiring me. F*ck! here I am again.

Be careful!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Just a glimpse, my life changed...

I know I had shortcomings this past days. I had been too irresponsible in both personal and career lives. I became self centered, selfish, greedy- with my emotions- and in love. Yes! Marcus is indeed in love. After a not so long time, here I go again exploring the world of love. I know I have been through all of this but as a part of my humanism I have to feel it again- I know!

I am in love with someone I thought I wouldn't be in love. It was really funny how our separated paths crossed. It is true that love moves in mysterious ways. I just like this- I mean being in love. I am willing to take all it's consequences for I love this person. I tried not to admit it but it bursts with joy and happiness.

I know it's too early to see you in this view but i am hoping that this- I mean OUR- love will grow. For now, I am enjoying and savoring our camaraderie, our love for each other and each moment I am with you. You might not be aware of this but just in case you are interested, your hugs are my shelter and your kisses are my protection. I can't find an impeccable word to describe this but you are really so irresistible. If this is just a dream, then I won't wake up. Every time I close my eyes, it's you that I see. Every time I am seeing myself in the mirror, it's your reflection that I am visualizing. Reminding me of the times I am in your cradle. It's funny how you are driving me crazy. I even sneaked out of our house at 3AM just to be with you, just to feel your heartbeat next to mine, just to sniff your scent, just to taste your lips and not just to love you but to be loved as well. You made me realize that I am important, that I also deserve to be loved and most specially that I can love. Every time my cellphone rings, it's your name that I am expecting to see. Every time I sleep, it's you that I want to dream of.

I am madly, deeply and crazily in love with you. I am yours..

Thursday, September 9, 2010

I am missing you Mom...

Gone are the frustrations. Gone are the soliloquies. Gone are the sad songs that I've been hearing. Gone are the feelings of lonerism in me. But one thing remained, the scar it brought and hurt me. As I have tried to calm and heal myself, these two things are pulling me back to the anger I've felt yesterday. Thousands of sorries from you won't heal my broken dignity. You have - somehow- degraded me. You made me realize that respect should not be given to everyone, that respect should be nurtured not in a single moment but in a long-time processed and lastly, that respect once broken cannot be mended easily. I tell you, I may forgive but I never forget.
Moving on, I am recovering. With the help of my friends, who watched cinema with me last night, I know I am starting to shape up myself again. Damn you! this is so much attention that I am giving you. Gotta get over it!

I guess that two paragraphs are enough for me to say I was really mad at you. Dumb me! Hey! Marcus what is happening? you just created the 3rd paragraph? Lol! this is where it will end.


For today's post, I want to narrate the dream that ruined my sleep last night. Unfortunately, I cannot remember it. Wait let me do back-tracking..... :)

Still remembering....


Damn! I really cannot. I am so sorry.

Okay! I am giving up but wait! I guess this may interest you.

Have you ever experienced a dream that whenever you and your friends are chatting about nightmares and stuffs similar to that, there is always this first thing/ dream that instantly pops out of your mind? Well, this may sound a bit creepy and funny and I should say theatrical but this is really no joke. It happened to me I guess a month ago.

Just got home from office, it was probably 11 in the evening and I was kind of tired so I sat down to our couch and relax myself with my Ipod. After doing my nightly habit- tooth brushing, bathing, eating and so on, I headed to my bed and sleep.

That night was different, it was sultry, it was dark- of course, I mean a different kind of dark.

I was in the middle of a glass rooms. People in black tuxedos and formal dresses were going in and out of a somewhat like vast audio visual room and office rooms. I gazed and observed the place. People are like in a sad mood and most of them are wearing black. I heard cries..deep cries and small chit-chats which seems like everyone was reminiscing someone or something. I remained silent so that I won't be notified. I managed little walks. I headed to the place where people are going in and out. The place was well lighted, embellished with different flowers and ornamented with different curtains and I am correct people are indeed crying. I saw a pile of people heading in the middle of somewhere, I followed. The thing in the middle shocked me. It was a casket. A wooden brown casket that looks like made in Narra. It was beautiful though. The casket was surrounded by different kinds of flowers. I gazed the casket and was amazed. I stood on my toe to see who's inside. I was terrified, shocked and shouted, cried and screamed. It was a lady- a beautiful lady. The lady was wearing a beautiful red gown. She has fair complexion. Her hair was perfectly teased and combed. She was undeniably beautiful.

Then why did I shout?

There were two things that made me shout and terrified. First was, the lady opened her eyes when I looked at her. Secondly, it was my Mother.

I ran outside. I ran and have gone back to the place where I first found myself. Again, the place was not covered with anything. It was just a plain room made of glass so you'll see everything outside. The light was turning on and off. Inside, I have seen one of my friend. She was with me and comforting and asking me why I am going that way. I was screaming, yelling and terrified. There was a sudden pause. I heard nothing. I have seen the lady in the coffin passing the hallway. She was going back and forth. As she goes back and forth, my heart beats faster and faster, louder and louder and I hardly breathe. She paused in middle, she stared at me, looked at me and gazed at me. She had her eyes torned on me. After a minute or two, she disappeared. At that point I realized that she was not walking. Her feet literally did not touch the floor. The light turned on at last. When I ran outside, I bumped in on my Uncle. He asked me why I am leaving, "your mother is about to be buried" he added. I can't believe. I heard loud voices, different voices and have seen different faces eyeing at me. I can't believe, I really can't believe. I was crying, bemoaning and in great depression.

At that point, luckily, I woke up. Perspiration covered my whole face and body making me wet. I gulped a glass of water. I was really terrified that I can't take that out of my mind. I couldn't get back to sleep as I am afraid it might happen to me again when I fell asleep. I grabbed my phone and noticed that it was just 3 AM. Inevitably, I slept again.

That morning I narrated that story to my Tita. She felt frightened too. She told me that it might be because I am not visiting my Mother in the cemetery for- I guess- 3 years now. I felt worthless - as a son, but I am still amazed and thankful that I still witnessed her beautiness.

Mom, wherever you are. I always love you. You will always be right here in my heart and this is where you are always residing. I am missing you. Please guide and protect me and my li'l brother always. I always remember and reminisce the times that I am still sleeping in your cradle. I am missing everything from you. I may had-have different girls in my life but you will always be the most precious and loved one. I promise that this Soul's day I will be with you. Please wait for me Mama.

Tuesday, September 7, 2010


I, again, had forced myself to wake up. With lots of butterflies in my stomach and an intense headache, I stood tall and headed to work.

Before narrating what happened in my work-life today, I just like to reminisce good things that happened to me last night with my cousins.

Last night was the night that I had definitely missed. In relation to my previous post and as planned, we celebrated the birthday of my cousin. Cousins near to us gathered to celebrate not the birthday but to full their tummies with liquours and "pulutans". As per my instruction, they prepared my favorite finger food- Tofu and Pork. To be frank- I hope I won't hurt the feelings of my cousins and even my tita who cooked it- I did not enjoy the Tofu and Pork. The previous one they have prepared is way better as to compare. I enjoyed it though.

I was able to mingle with my long-time no-see cousins again. Now that we are grown ups and has our own jobs, we are now permitted to imbibe vodkas, beers and so many more- even infront of our Tita's who happens to be our number one enemy when we're youngsters. This is the real benefit of ageing (I don't know if I have to term it that way?!) -you are free to do such things. I just reminisced that when I still stands four feet, sniffing of liquours is the only thing I can do- that is without their eagle eyes. Our next drinking session will be held on Saturday which I personally believe I will surrender and will be the first one to raise the flag of giving up- Duh! hope it won't happen. May whoever help me out on Saturday.

I, indeed, enjoyed the night but like any other fairytale, after the winning moment there goes the irritating moments- yes it's with S.


Remember my "See life in a different point of view...- My blogspot post. Well, it actually pertained to a person that I am- from the very beggining- super irritated. It's a him- an old "him". I hate him because I know things between us will not work out, that paths of ours will never crossed and differences will never be patched.

This is how I exploded:

Every morning after logging on to our Avaya- our time keeper something, I used to check out my facebook first and fill my tumbler with water in our pantry. It takes few minutes whenever I am doing them.

Since it's my tradition, I have done it this day. It's near 9 AM so I headed out of our pantry and if I am not mistaken our pantry is located 20m away from my post, away from our bay. I heard a guy shouting in a barbaric way "Che (my supervisor) ano ba yan 9 na wala pa si Marcus sa post niya"..he repeated it twice. At that very moment my blood pounded my head and made me irrititated. You wanna know why? it is because it was not my supervisor who shouted. It was the old man whose compensation is lower than mine. It was the aged man who acts like a supervisor but cannot perfect his QA scores. It was the archaic poser that lives next to the flinstones. OMG! unknowingly my mouth uttered " Who the hell are you to shout that way? You are not my supervisor nor authorized to shout my name that loud..... " Banging of words continued but I basically cannot remember words I've uttered as those were the only words marked in my pounding brain.

I remained composed and educated. I tried not to feel his presence but it was him who made me exploded again. He stressed uneducated words like plastic and a lot more that made me really angry. He also chats with his same old persona that is physically speaking I'm way better. I hate them. My friends on the next bay taught me to give him war. War that he initiated. Some told me to ignore those shits and most of them taught me to fight. They assured me that they are on my behind if ever I will be needing a help. Friends who pushed me to fight back yelled "Marcus hayaan mo na siya...feelingero kasi eh". He thought I was asking for help so when my friends sat down and get back to work. He simply said "Hindi ko kailangan ng kakampi".. At the back of my mind I said "Wow! do I look like I need companion in defeating archaic shit like him".

As I was composing this blog, I remained silent. He might think that I am giving up but a big hell NO! I'm just giving you this time. It's your chance and better be prepared for my time to explode- again. I know I should not be ruining my day for non-sense persons such you but I tell you the war has just begun. Doing this makes me look like I am giving you an attention but no it's not! This is simply because I am still angry. You are such a big crop.

If there is- hopefully- someone who will be reading this post. I am not rude. Please don't be mislead with how I reacted today, I am just mad. Friends of mine will prove that I am a good person but I don't have to explain myself. You are a human also, so you must have known why I am feeling this way.

Advise to myself:

Marcus please remain composed. They will just measure your humanism. Do not step down on their level. Again, nobody will love you the same way as how you are loving yourself.
Oopss...I nearly forgot.

This is- so far- the quirkest thing happened to me today.

This morning, like my usual and daily routine, I rode in a jeepney going to the LRT. The jeepney was about to go when a lady boarded . She almost fell as she was just wearing a skirt. I had my eyes torned to her and found myself saying "She is beautiful, oh no pretty..oh no beautiful!" Damn! she looks like in her early 30's but god! she is freakingly hot!- not the hotties wearing short skirts, spaghetti straps or any alluring skimpy dresses, she is way hotter that them. She looks like an office girl. She is holding a cup of Taho but damn! she made me go bonkers!

Haha...I am super happy. Wish I'll get to know her more. (In your dreams Marcus..) *giggles*

Let's get drunk...

Here I go blogging again.

I haven't updated this for 2 days for I have been too busy. I enjoyed Sunday for I was just at home. I did not go anywhere else for I don't have money and am not in the mood of going somewhere. Anyhow, I still enjoyed it. I miss being a homebody, you don't have to think for anything, to consider things that are work related and to force yourself waking up early in the morning. I was able to do homey things such as cooking, playing with my nieces and nephews and a lot more that I have admittedly missed. I guess that day was not enough for me to feel the real homey feeling I am longing.

This is the 7th day of the 1st -ber month and yet I still don't feel christmas. Usually before, houses near ours are being decorated at this very early time of the season. I guess that tradition our neighboors are practicing changed since last year when a cruel typhoon hit our place. It is still fresh in their minds, the destructions, the deaths, the aftermaths and the sudden change that typhoon brought our place. It was a horrible experience noone will ever forget. The typhoon that almost killed our loved ones and destroyed our properties have changed each and everyone's lives. Who would have thought that a normal Saturday will reveal it's wrath in an unexplainable way? Who would have believed that a typical rainy season will bring fatality rate in a formidable manner? Honestly speaking I was not able to feel the direct violence of typhoon Ondoy as I am not in our house that time, I was boarding near La Salle Manila and I was on the 5th floor. I was sleeping when I received a phone call informing me about the flood. It broke my heart knowing that they suffered from that unexpected violence. When I reached our house, I witnessed the fierce of Ondoy, our house was full of mud and chairs were everywhere. Jinky (+), our dog, spent the rest of her night on top of our roof together with my Uncle. When she saw me, she wiggled her tail and started to cry. She was like narrating what she have experienced for the whole night. I can see her sufferings through the traces of the mud that covered half of her body. You will still see traces of typhoon Ondoy in our house. I hope everyone have learned from that experience that no matter how rich or poor you are if it's of the wrath of nature that is attacking you, you better be prepared. Save the lives first before your properties.

I guess I may have posted this reminscing blog too early. But who knows- knock on wood- all we need to do is to be prepared. I am still looking forward that this will be a better christmas for me, my family and for everybody.


Today is the natal day of my cousin's spouse and as expected celebration follows. Beers will flood our stomachs and will drive us to bed. Wish they prepared my requested finger food- Tokwa't baboy (Tofu and Pork). I will not drink hard as I have to go to work tomorrow. As I have promised to myself, work is still my priority.

Wishing for a better tomorrow.

Animo Marcus!

This is how it looks like during Ondoy.

Saturday, September 4, 2010

WordPress welcomed me.

First day of using wordpress.
At first I had troubles accessing the webpage itself. Able to sign in but cannot logged on. It was quite disappointing because all the time that I have been reading blogs of different people using wordpress, they seemed to be very satisfied and happy on how wordpress is performing, however, I do not have the right to complain.

As I have mentioned on the first stanza, I have been reading blogs of different people subscribed to wordpress for the past times that I dare not to remember. My most favorite blogsite that I accidentally accessed was or simply Marcus can blog- a cute little boy who absolutely posts blogs with the guide of his loving father. I salute his Daddy's undying love for him that even if he can't speak nor utter a single word, he can express his self.

Moving on, my undying love for writing drove me here to do blogging. My favorite past time is writing, wherever I am I make sure that I have my pencil and green apple notebook with me. I tell you I can live without my cellphone but not my pencil, notebook and Ipod- yes! they give me hope. Anyway, I can say that writing is a talent I have adopted from my ancestors. My Grannie is a writer in a publication office somewhere during her times, she is, indeed, a good writer and an influential leader. So much about her- she's 6 feet under, writing is my passion. It gives me a different point of view in life. It also allows me to express myself in a way that I think I will be better understand and comprehend.

Literally speaking, my handwriting is not that good. I do not know different strokes and never appreciated because of my handwriting nor never been a Secretary during my school days- I have not dreamt of being one either. Albeit of not being gifted when it comes to my handwriting, I have received various awards and recognitions because of my writings. I love Editorial writing and Copy reading or proof reading, these two are my fortes when it comes to journalism. But I guess blogging is way better than journalism, no stress, no rules, every opinion will be respected- except to those who can't fathom you, and you are working like a free-lancer writer who can do and write whatever they want under sun. Still my guess, the big difference of journalism and blogging is, blogging is more of a personal thing whereas journalism is more of a national thing..haha.forgive me.

Well I guess I am going too personal. Whenever I am writing blogs on my blogspot account, the story or context revolves around my agonies in life. Since I don't have friends that I can chat wth regarding my agonies, I am writing them down to atleast relieve the pain I am feeling. I don't know but I think blogging is my way of expressing myself. If you will get to know me better, I am a timid type of person. I will talk to you whenever I want and if ever I want.

Expect that in my blogs you'll see some my life's agonies and how I am being overwhelmed by them.

Much has been said I guess.


Blogspot believe me, I won't leave you..:)

Thursday, September 2, 2010

See life in a different point of view...

A rainy Thursday morning woke me up as I am in the middle of dreaming of something which I can't remember. It's really raining hard! too hard and I perfectly know that I will be late. As expected, damn! I am late again...few more points and career is over. I was welcomed with the smiles of my dear office mates so I was expecting that this will be the start of my recovery, start of a beautiful day though it was raining hard and the start of discovering what meaningful life means.

Logged on, filled my tumbler with cold water, connected my headset to the amplifier, checked out my facebook account and holla! I am now ready to take calls.

My day was rough, dreary, sad and for some reason- I guess, I will not be able to enjoy the day. I will not be able to see what meaningful life is, what beautiful day means and how to recover. Sad enough I just stayed on my post, finished my delayed collections works and read some of the blogs especially the Marcuscanblog.

Now, you might be thinking why I did not enjoy the day aside from the boring things I have done. Well, I was just thinking why people have to separate theirselves from humanities like them, how they can ignore people who are just sitting beside, in front, and at their back, how they can laugh out loud without even notifying the person what those laughs were for. I don't know?!, I might be just too observant but that's what and how I felt..I was like left behind.. Is it because they are of the same age that they know how to deal with each other? or Self-centeredness is just what I am feeling now? Duh! I am afraid I am a loner. Yeah! I know that there were times "lonerism" attacks me, I wanna be alone, don't want to talk to anyone, afraid of giving out suggestions, ideas and anything, don't want to be noticed..and the worse, don't want to exist because I feel like being so alone is the safest thing I can do. I don't care if they call me geek or whatever all I care is just me, myself and I.

Way back in high school, I only had 3 closest friends. They were the only people that I used to mingle, talk, giggle, laugh and study with. Though I also have couple of friends, schoolmates and classmates that I gave out my shining smiles, I think my 3 closest friends were the only classmates that I used to know most. I am not that "choosy"-as how they termed it, when it comes to choosing a friend but I believed that they are the only persons who passed my qualifications -the rest, so typical. When I worked, I tried to develop it and somehow, improved it. And I can say I am improving! from 3 now I got plenty, but I just don't know why I can't cope up to some of my colleague's attitudes. But I don't want them to ruin my day, don't want to think of them like they are too important and too special. Colleagues like them are just so annoying--not all the times but most of the times. There were times that I want to visit a Psychiatrist and ask them if I have problem(s)- emotionally, mentally and socially, but I am afraid they'll discover something that will trigger the hell and crop out of me. Don't I have the confidence to face the world? Am I just afraid of the fact that I might not be accepted and loved? Or am I just going crazy and emo?'s human nature! yeah! human nature Marcus!

Going back to the real world, I have just listened to my Supervisor's Top 5 errors her agents repeatedly incurring. This only explains how agents, regardless how aged you are in the industry, performs while with their headsets. It's unstoppable, nobody is perfect, even my trainers- including my most recent ones- had mistakes, but don't ask me why we need to practice please! I am tired of discussing things like this. Anyway, below is my inspirational song, whenever I feel weary, down and degraded I listen to it. This is actually not a typical inspirational songs that singers have to raised their voices to their highest level, it is actually a technodance full of meaning. Hope I will influence someone to like this too.

Point of View- DB Boulevard

I don't have a cent
Will I pay my rent
And even my car doesn't work
Me and my man, he's the one
To die for, we have split up

Can't you see, life's easy
If you consider things
From another point of view
Ahhh, ah-ha yeah

In another way
From another point of view
Yeah, yeah, yeah, ahhh, ah-ha yeah
In another way

From another point of view

I see life and lights
All the colours of the world
So beautiful won't you come with me
I've seen birds and trees
All the flowers of the world
So beautiful won't you come with me

Ahhh, ah-ha yeah
In another way
From another point of view

Can't you see, life's easy
If you consider things
From another point of view
Ahhh, ah-ha yeah
In another way
From another point of view

Good Evening world...Good Evening Marcus

Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Forgive me for I have sinned..

Is there any right time for us- humans- to stop lying and admit to ourselves were wrong? Does that mean that when you lie, you're a bad guy? Are white lies the same as committing criminal acts that if you get caught you will be penalised and imprisoned? I'm so tired living this life, life full of lies, life that is complicating my simplicity and life that drives me crazy.

For the past months, I have been like this, trying to live life's flow, trying to hide my real feelings, trying to escape from a bitter reality that life is giving me. These are the times of my life that I am missing talking to my "words of wisdom supplier". I know that nobody can heal me but this person, somehow, helps. OMG! It's really hard to lie to someone that is too important to you. The fact that they are important is the hardest thing in doing the act of lying. But I must face the truth and get back to reality, nobody can ever resolve my problem but just me, nobody can ever heal me but just myself and nobody can correct my dumbness and face it's consequences but just me.

Nobody is impeccable as how they say it but I was thinking if there will be one day in my life that everything will be perfect. Admittedly, it is really hard to accept when your loved ones are losing their trust for you, hard to digest if you will hear them saying unacceptable words that makes you degraded. Darn! people are just like this! they will remain faithful and loyal when they know they need you. I want to live like a child again, no worries, no problems and no hurt feelings like what I'm feeling now. I just realized how lucky little ones are, they do not endure sufferings, do not feel mentally abused, do not feel the real bitterness of life, do not have to write down their agonies, always accepted, always forgiven, always happy and always loved. Is it because I'm working now even if I am just 19 that I have to think like a professional, act like a big man? Why are they setting too much expectations from me? Can't I be a child that I don't have to think for anything? My classmates are- I guess- not being pressured as how I am being pressured now. I can feel like I am the king of the world- Yes! King of Dumbness! I have been on this situation before but I have never learned, never applied the lesson it taught me. I want to get out of this agony. I want to be free, free as a bird flying up there.

In time all of this will be healed, everything will be as wonderful as how they should be, things will go normal. Can't wait.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Sana hindi ako pagalitan...:(

I am just 19 years old but I can say that I may have done lots of things that a normal geek wouldn't want to do..

I have been living my life in a way I think it will be productive. Mingling with my friends, having chit chats with my so-called "words of wisdom supplier", drinking sessions with my friends, cigar sessions with my office mates, entering a motel/ hotel alone and going out if I have enough sleep...gosh! I am really tired living this kinda' life.

There was a point in my life that I thought of surrendering, giving up and telling my self : "Hey Marcus! look at yourself you are such a big loser!".

This past days, I can feel like I am no longer the old Marcus that I used to know, a home buddy, a bookworm, a vulnerable person that can't defend for his own sake and for his own good and a son that can't sleep without thinking of his mother and a brother waiting for him at home and "somehow" admiring him.

I miss the old times where after school I will be welcomed by my Tita and ask me if how's school and if I had taken my lunch already. I miss the days when I still don't know how to use computer and the only resources that I have in doing my homeworks are my books. I'm missing the old me when drinking a bottle of liquor is still prohibited. Ahh...I wanna scream  "I wish I did not grow up that I will not know things that making my life complicated now" But whenever I'm missing the old me, all I'm thinking of is this line that I have heard from my ever IDOL Mother Teresa--- Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.

I have experienced love- and even intense love- for so many times. Love that making me cry at night, love that making me blush whenever it tickles my heart and love that gave me the reason to be very careful in looking for love.  Hay! I guess I am not yet matured for this kinda thing, am not prepared to enter a serious relationship that will occupy most of my times, am not in love because I am really not in love. Hay! can someone tell me how to be in love? how to experience the real feeling of love? and how love grows and moves in mysterious ways??? --aha it is not a song-- Tired of searching, tired of collecting, tired of listening and tired of almost everything.

I want to die, to live and to die again. I feel like I am super bored in this life. Same people, same faces, same words, same environment...It kills me! I never thought that boredom will drive me to this kind of extent that I have to post this here. Hay! if I can only turn back the time..wish I worries, no complications, no hassle, no life and no Marcus..

I am not home for 3 days now, those days are "I can say" glinting moments of my teenager life and the saddest moment of my whole existence. I am trying to live my life as it is. Enjoying friends of friends companies and living my life to the fullest so to speak. I am going home tonight...

Sana hindi ako pagalitan..:(

Too happy I have it na....

This is really just my first time creating my blogsite such as this one. I am fond of reading everyone's blogs and criticizing them. I am a blogger, an emo and flirt also...haha...

Sensing a good vibes..