Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Forgive me for I have sinned..

Is there any right time for us- humans- to stop lying and admit to ourselves were wrong? Does that mean that when you lie, you're a bad guy? Are white lies the same as committing criminal acts that if you get caught you will be penalised and imprisoned? I'm so tired living this life, life full of lies, life that is complicating my simplicity and life that drives me crazy.

For the past months, I have been like this, trying to live life's flow, trying to hide my real feelings, trying to escape from a bitter reality that life is giving me. These are the times of my life that I am missing talking to my "words of wisdom supplier". I know that nobody can heal me but this person, somehow, helps. OMG! It's really hard to lie to someone that is too important to you. The fact that they are important is the hardest thing in doing the act of lying. But I must face the truth and get back to reality, nobody can ever resolve my problem but just me, nobody can ever heal me but just myself and nobody can correct my dumbness and face it's consequences but just me.

Nobody is impeccable as how they say it but I was thinking if there will be one day in my life that everything will be perfect. Admittedly, it is really hard to accept when your loved ones are losing their trust for you, hard to digest if you will hear them saying unacceptable words that makes you degraded. Darn! people are just like this! they will remain faithful and loyal when they know they need you. I want to live like a child again, no worries, no problems and no hurt feelings like what I'm feeling now. I just realized how lucky little ones are, they do not endure sufferings, do not feel mentally abused, do not feel the real bitterness of life, do not have to write down their agonies, always accepted, always forgiven, always happy and always loved. Is it because I'm working now even if I am just 19 that I have to think like a professional, act like a big man? Why are they setting too much expectations from me? Can't I be a child that I don't have to think for anything? My classmates are- I guess- not being pressured as how I am being pressured now. I can feel like I am the king of the world- Yes! King of Dumbness! I have been on this situation before but I have never learned, never applied the lesson it taught me. I want to get out of this agony. I want to be free, free as a bird flying up there.

In time all of this will be healed, everything will be as wonderful as how they should be, things will go normal. Can't wait.

Monday, August 30, 2010

Sana hindi ako pagalitan...:(

I am just 19 years old but I can say that I may have done lots of things that a normal geek wouldn't want to do..

I have been living my life in a way I think it will be productive. Mingling with my friends, having chit chats with my so-called "words of wisdom supplier", drinking sessions with my friends, cigar sessions with my office mates, entering a motel/ hotel alone and going out if I have enough sleep...gosh! I am really tired living this kinda' life.

There was a point in my life that I thought of surrendering, giving up and telling my self : "Hey Marcus! look at yourself you are such a big loser!".

This past days, I can feel like I am no longer the old Marcus that I used to know, a home buddy, a bookworm, a vulnerable person that can't defend for his own sake and for his own good and a son that can't sleep without thinking of his mother and a brother waiting for him at home and "somehow" admiring him.

I miss the old times where after school I will be welcomed by my Tita and ask me if how's school and if I had taken my lunch already. I miss the days when I still don't know how to use computer and the only resources that I have in doing my homeworks are my books. I'm missing the old me when drinking a bottle of liquor is still prohibited. Ahh...I wanna scream  "I wish I did not grow up that I will not know things that making my life complicated now" But whenever I'm missing the old me, all I'm thinking of is this line that I have heard from my ever IDOL Mother Teresa--- Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.

I have experienced love- and even intense love- for so many times. Love that making me cry at night, love that making me blush whenever it tickles my heart and love that gave me the reason to be very careful in looking for love.  Hay! I guess I am not yet matured for this kinda thing, am not prepared to enter a serious relationship that will occupy most of my times, am not in love because I am really not in love. Hay! can someone tell me how to be in love? how to experience the real feeling of love? and how love grows and moves in mysterious ways??? --aha it is not a song-- Tired of searching, tired of collecting, tired of listening and tired of almost everything.

I want to die, to live and to die again. I feel like I am super bored in this life. Same people, same faces, same words, same environment...It kills me! I never thought that boredom will drive me to this kind of extent that I have to post this here. Hay! if I can only turn back the time..wish I can..no worries, no complications, no hassle, no life and no Marcus..

I am not home for 3 days now, those days are "I can say" glinting moments of my teenager life and the saddest moment of my whole existence. I am trying to live my life as it is. Enjoying friends of friends companies and living my life to the fullest so to speak. I am going home tonight...

Sana hindi ako pagalitan..:(

Too happy I have it na....

This is really just my first time creating my blogsite such as this one. I am fond of reading everyone's blogs and criticizing them. I am a blogger, an emo and everything...am flirt also...haha...

Sensing a good vibes..