Tuesday, August 31, 2010

Forgive me for I have sinned..

Is there any right time for us- humans- to stop lying and admit to ourselves were wrong? Does that mean that when you lie, you're a bad guy? Are white lies the same as committing criminal acts that if you get caught you will be penalised and imprisoned? I'm so tired living this life, life full of lies, life that is complicating my simplicity and life that drives me crazy.

For the past months, I have been like this, trying to live life's flow, trying to hide my real feelings, trying to escape from a bitter reality that life is giving me. These are the times of my life that I am missing talking to my "words of wisdom supplier". I know that nobody can heal me but this person, somehow, helps. OMG! It's really hard to lie to someone that is too important to you. The fact that they are important is the hardest thing in doing the act of lying. But I must face the truth and get back to reality, nobody can ever resolve my problem but just me, nobody can ever heal me but just myself and nobody can correct my dumbness and face it's consequences but just me.

Nobody is impeccable as how they say it but I was thinking if there will be one day in my life that everything will be perfect. Admittedly, it is really hard to accept when your loved ones are losing their trust for you, hard to digest if you will hear them saying unacceptable words that makes you degraded. Darn! people are just like this! they will remain faithful and loyal when they know they need you. I want to live like a child again, no worries, no problems and no hurt feelings like what I'm feeling now. I just realized how lucky little ones are, they do not endure sufferings, do not feel mentally abused, do not feel the real bitterness of life, do not have to write down their agonies, always accepted, always forgiven, always happy and always loved. Is it because I'm working now even if I am just 19 that I have to think like a professional, act like a big man? Why are they setting too much expectations from me? Can't I be a child that I don't have to think for anything? My classmates are- I guess- not being pressured as how I am being pressured now. I can feel like I am the king of the world- Yes! King of Dumbness! I have been on this situation before but I have never learned, never applied the lesson it taught me. I want to get out of this agony. I want to be free, free as a bird flying up there.

In time all of this will be healed, everything will be as wonderful as how they should be, things will go normal. Can't wait.

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