Monday, August 30, 2010

Sana hindi ako pagalitan...:(

I am just 19 years old but I can say that I may have done lots of things that a normal geek wouldn't want to do..

I have been living my life in a way I think it will be productive. Mingling with my friends, having chit chats with my so-called "words of wisdom supplier", drinking sessions with my friends, cigar sessions with my office mates, entering a motel/ hotel alone and going out if I have enough sleep...gosh! I am really tired living this kinda' life.

There was a point in my life that I thought of surrendering, giving up and telling my self : "Hey Marcus! look at yourself you are such a big loser!".

This past days, I can feel like I am no longer the old Marcus that I used to know, a home buddy, a bookworm, a vulnerable person that can't defend for his own sake and for his own good and a son that can't sleep without thinking of his mother and a brother waiting for him at home and "somehow" admiring him.

I miss the old times where after school I will be welcomed by my Tita and ask me if how's school and if I had taken my lunch already. I miss the days when I still don't know how to use computer and the only resources that I have in doing my homeworks are my books. I'm missing the old me when drinking a bottle of liquor is still prohibited. Ahh...I wanna scream  "I wish I did not grow up that I will not know things that making my life complicated now" But whenever I'm missing the old me, all I'm thinking of is this line that I have heard from my ever IDOL Mother Teresa--- Do not think that love, in order to be genuine, has to be extraordinary. What we need is to love without getting tired.

I have experienced love- and even intense love- for so many times. Love that making me cry at night, love that making me blush whenever it tickles my heart and love that gave me the reason to be very careful in looking for love.  Hay! I guess I am not yet matured for this kinda thing, am not prepared to enter a serious relationship that will occupy most of my times, am not in love because I am really not in love. Hay! can someone tell me how to be in love? how to experience the real feeling of love? and how love grows and moves in mysterious ways??? --aha it is not a song-- Tired of searching, tired of collecting, tired of listening and tired of almost everything.

I want to die, to live and to die again. I feel like I am super bored in this life. Same people, same faces, same words, same environment...It kills me! I never thought that boredom will drive me to this kind of extent that I have to post this here. Hay! if I can only turn back the time..wish I worries, no complications, no hassle, no life and no Marcus..

I am not home for 3 days now, those days are "I can say" glinting moments of my teenager life and the saddest moment of my whole existence. I am trying to live my life as it is. Enjoying friends of friends companies and living my life to the fullest so to speak. I am going home tonight...

Sana hindi ako pagalitan..:(

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