Thursday, September 9, 2010

I am missing you Mom...

Gone are the frustrations. Gone are the soliloquies. Gone are the sad songs that I've been hearing. Gone are the feelings of lonerism in me. But one thing remained, the scar it brought and hurt me. As I have tried to calm and heal myself, these two things are pulling me back to the anger I've felt yesterday. Thousands of sorries from you won't heal my broken dignity. You have - somehow- degraded me. You made me realize that respect should not be given to everyone, that respect should be nurtured not in a single moment but in a long-time processed and lastly, that respect once broken cannot be mended easily. I tell you, I may forgive but I never forget.
Moving on, I am recovering. With the help of my friends, who watched cinema with me last night, I know I am starting to shape up myself again. Damn you! this is so much attention that I am giving you. Gotta get over it!

I guess that two paragraphs are enough for me to say I was really mad at you. Dumb me! Hey! Marcus what is happening? you just created the 3rd paragraph? Lol! this is where it will end.


For today's post, I want to narrate the dream that ruined my sleep last night. Unfortunately, I cannot remember it. Wait let me do back-tracking..... :)

Still remembering....


Damn! I really cannot. I am so sorry.

Okay! I am giving up but wait! I guess this may interest you.

Have you ever experienced a dream that whenever you and your friends are chatting about nightmares and stuffs similar to that, there is always this first thing/ dream that instantly pops out of your mind? Well, this may sound a bit creepy and funny and I should say theatrical but this is really no joke. It happened to me I guess a month ago.

Just got home from office, it was probably 11 in the evening and I was kind of tired so I sat down to our couch and relax myself with my Ipod. After doing my nightly habit- tooth brushing, bathing, eating and so on, I headed to my bed and sleep.

That night was different, it was sultry, it was dark- of course, I mean a different kind of dark.

I was in the middle of a glass rooms. People in black tuxedos and formal dresses were going in and out of a somewhat like vast audio visual room and office rooms. I gazed and observed the place. People are like in a sad mood and most of them are wearing black. I heard cries..deep cries and small chit-chats which seems like everyone was reminiscing someone or something. I remained silent so that I won't be notified. I managed little walks. I headed to the place where people are going in and out. The place was well lighted, embellished with different flowers and ornamented with different curtains and I am correct people are indeed crying. I saw a pile of people heading in the middle of somewhere, I followed. The thing in the middle shocked me. It was a casket. A wooden brown casket that looks like made in Narra. It was beautiful though. The casket was surrounded by different kinds of flowers. I gazed the casket and was amazed. I stood on my toe to see who's inside. I was terrified, shocked and shouted, cried and screamed. It was a lady- a beautiful lady. The lady was wearing a beautiful red gown. She has fair complexion. Her hair was perfectly teased and combed. She was undeniably beautiful.

Then why did I shout?

There were two things that made me shout and terrified. First was, the lady opened her eyes when I looked at her. Secondly, it was my Mother.

I ran outside. I ran and have gone back to the place where I first found myself. Again, the place was not covered with anything. It was just a plain room made of glass so you'll see everything outside. The light was turning on and off. Inside, I have seen one of my friend. She was with me and comforting and asking me why I am going that way. I was screaming, yelling and terrified. There was a sudden pause. I heard nothing. I have seen the lady in the coffin passing the hallway. She was going back and forth. As she goes back and forth, my heart beats faster and faster, louder and louder and I hardly breathe. She paused in middle, she stared at me, looked at me and gazed at me. She had her eyes torned on me. After a minute or two, she disappeared. At that point I realized that she was not walking. Her feet literally did not touch the floor. The light turned on at last. When I ran outside, I bumped in on my Uncle. He asked me why I am leaving, "your mother is about to be buried" he added. I can't believe. I heard loud voices, different voices and have seen different faces eyeing at me. I can't believe, I really can't believe. I was crying, bemoaning and in great depression.

At that point, luckily, I woke up. Perspiration covered my whole face and body making me wet. I gulped a glass of water. I was really terrified that I can't take that out of my mind. I couldn't get back to sleep as I am afraid it might happen to me again when I fell asleep. I grabbed my phone and noticed that it was just 3 AM. Inevitably, I slept again.

That morning I narrated that story to my Tita. She felt frightened too. She told me that it might be because I am not visiting my Mother in the cemetery for- I guess- 3 years now. I felt worthless - as a son, but I am still amazed and thankful that I still witnessed her beautiness.

Mom, wherever you are. I always love you. You will always be right here in my heart and this is where you are always residing. I am missing you. Please guide and protect me and my li'l brother always. I always remember and reminisce the times that I am still sleeping in your cradle. I am missing everything from you. I may had-have different girls in my life but you will always be the most precious and loved one. I promise that this Soul's day I will be with you. Please wait for me Mama.

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